WWebber
You put your faith in somebody and they just make a fool of you. I am sick and tired of being lied to, and robbed, and poisoned!
That's the wrong way, Mr. Webber. First try a divorce.
S2 E1Doomsday
WWebber
Corruption. Treachery. Fighting in the streets. Pollution. There's nowhere to hide.
You're not supposed to hide. You're supposed to try and make it better.
S2 E2The Social Worker
Fish, what did the doctor say?
He said I was at-- at the time of my life when my body is going through changes.
Sounds like menopause.
It is menopause. I caught it from Bernice.
You know, you kiss good for a social worker.
Oh, thanks. Thanks. My field supervisor will be very pleased. She asked me if I had good relations with the police.
What did you tell her?
I said, uh, whenever I could.
S2 E3The Layoff
Women are such fools for stuff like this. Bernice would do anything for a fur coat. If she could do anything.
Hey, man. They already closed down three fire stations. They could do the same thing to us.
Not as long as there's more crimes than fires. You see the thing is people commit crimes to eat. But people don't set fires to eat.
They do if they want something hot.
S2 E4Ambush
Mr. Ditka, what are you doing up on a roof cleaning your rifle? Why don't you clean your rifle in your apartment?
DDitka
I like to be in full view of the local youth. Just another way of saying: 'Emile Ditka's got a gun'.
Did they tell you why they need a new chief of police?
The old chief passed away.
He died of boredom. He was sitting behind his desk one day, in his office, when a guy who was bored came in and shot him.
S2 E5Heat Wave
I got a look at him, and I'll know him when I see him again 'cause I marked him.
You shot him?
I bit him in the neck.
[about the non-working fan] Hey, it can't be turned on, it's not doing anything!
My very words to Bernice.
S2 E6The Arsonist
Oh, Harris has got another theory. Sherlock Holmes.
I mean, psychology is a very important part of modern criminology.
[Wojo blows a raspberry]
Wojo, hold off your rebuttal 'til later.
Oh, Wojo. Wonderful to see you again.
Oh, yeah, uh, I overslept a little.
Didn't your alarm go off?
Yeah, it went off. But I was in a different borough at the time.
S2 E7Grand Hotel
I've been eating prunes for 40 years. When I was 13, I gave a girl a necklace of prune pits. Her mother thought I was in voodoo.
My old man never took us on a vacation. He didn't believe in them. Thought they were slothful. He used to have us all working on Easter Sunday. He'd say, uh, 'If the Lord can get up and move a rock, so can you!'
S2 E8Discovery
[on the phone] Lady, who you gonna listen to, me or your computer?
[to Yemana] Doesn't look good.
You won't believe this, but according to their records I'm deceased.
It's probably a mistake.
I wonder.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Barney Miller pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.