SMr. Schuster
I didn't know Orientals had a sense of humor.
Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.
S1 E10The Guest
S1 E11Escape Artist
Anything happening I should know about?
EEveryone
Harris is writing a book.
A capella. Pretty good. I had in mind something more in the nature of a crime.
The coffee.
I would hesitate to call our coffee a crime. A shame maybe... [takes a sip of the coffee] Oh, that's a crime.
JJeffers
"Logical consequences are the scarecrows of fools and the beacons of wise men."
This cat is dynamite. I'm going to write that down.
It seems you found an admirer.
JJeffers
Do me a favor—don't tell him it's from Aldous Huxley until after I leave.
S1 E12Hair
You know those cute little Japanese dolls that you rub on the belly for luck?
Yeah.
I'm taking one out to dinner tonight.
S1 E13The Hero
Nick, where do we keep the office supply vouchers?
Look in the file under O. Or S. Or V. If not, then M, for miscellaneous. And if you don't find it in M, they're lost.
Then I look under L?
Good a place as any.
Did you ever wonder why the sperm whale, which is the largest mammal on the face of the earth, has a throat about that size? [forms a circle with his thumb and fingers]
Yeah. You know, I always did wonder. Why is that?
Because that's the way it is. And there ain't anything you can do about it.
S2 E1Doomsday
WWebber
You put your faith in somebody and they just make a fool of you. I am sick and tired of being lied to, and robbed, and poisoned!
That's the wrong way, Mr. Webber. First try a divorce.
WWebber
Corruption. Treachery. Fighting in the streets. Pollution. There's nowhere to hide.
You're not supposed to hide. You're supposed to try and make it better.
S2 E2The Social Worker
Fish, what did the doctor say?
He said I was at-- at the time of my life when my body is going through changes.
Sounds like menopause.
It is menopause. I caught it from Bernice.
You know, you kiss good for a social worker.
Oh, thanks. Thanks. My field supervisor will be very pleased. She asked me if I had good relations with the police.
What did you tell her?
I said, uh, whenever I could.
S2 E3The Layoff
Women are such fools for stuff like this. Bernice would do anything for a fur coat. If she could do anything.
Hey, man. They already closed down three fire stations. They could do the same thing to us.
Not as long as there's more crimes than fires. You see the thing is people commit crimes to eat. But people don't set fires to eat.
They do if they want something hot.
S2 E4Ambush
Mr. Ditka, what are you doing up on a roof cleaning your rifle? Why don't you clean your rifle in your apartment?
DDitka
I like to be in full view of the local youth. Just another way of saying: 'Emile Ditka's got a gun'.
Did they tell you why they need a new chief of police?
The old chief passed away.
He died of boredom. He was sitting behind his desk one day, in his office, when a guy who was bored came in and shot him.
S2 E5Heat Wave
I got a look at him, and I'll know him when I see him again 'cause I marked him.
You shot him?
I bit him in the neck.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Barney Miller pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.