Barney Miller quotes

Yemana

Hey, anybody want to work Vice tomorrow?

Harris

Me! I'll take it!

Yemana

You worked Vice last week.

Harris

I'm a policeman, baby! I goes where I'm needed!

Liz

Would you consider not going to work today and taking me for a drive in the country?

Barney

Liz, you heard the radio: shootings, bombings. It's my busy season.

Barney

Hello? Hello?

Wojo

Hello?

Barney

Hello, bomb disposal?

Wojo

No, this is Wojciehowicz.

Barney

Get off the line. I'm trying to reach Bomb Disposal.

Wojo

Who's this?

Barney

Barney!

Wojo

Oh, hey, Barn, how's it going?

Barney

GET OFF THE LINE!

Barney

I think of you as experienced. In an emergency, you would be the first one that I'd call.

Fish

You should call me first. I need time to put my teeth in.

Chano

Hey, Fish! You wouldn't believe what makes a guy like that do what he does, man.

Fish

It's the weather. When it gets damp and cold people get depressed, irritable and unpleasant. In the winter, Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world.

Chano

No kidding!

Fish

Bernice is Scandinavian, but only on her mother's side. She usually cheers up around... the middle of February.

Barney

[to former Det. Kelly] Hello, Kelly. What are you doing here?

Fish

Making friends.

Barney

How do you like Narcotics?

Yemana

They haven't helped him a bit.

Wojo

Hey, Barney? If a police officer loses his badge, does he report it to his superior or just wait til somebody turns it in?

Barney

He reports it to his superior officer.

Wojo

I lost my badge.

Wojo

No lady sleeps with a man for money... What brings you up here, Mrs. Miller?

Liz

I came to get a check from Barney.

Chano

[booking a Puerto Rican hooker] Miss del Fuego. I came from a very small fishing village in Puerto Rico.

Me, too.

Chano

I came here. I worked very hard. I learned to speak English.

Me, too.

Chano

And today I am proud to serve the public and be known as one of New York's finest.

Me, too!

Fish

What did she say?

Wojo

She wants to know if it's true they don't let Polish cops carry guns.

Barney

Tell her you got a gun.

Wojo

I got a gun.

Fish

Of course, it keeps us on our toes.

Barney

[on the phone] Liz, this is ridiculous! I cannot make the choice between the prevention of a major crime and the correction of my son's overbite! Particularly when the overbite runs on your side of the family.

Yemana

Hey, where's my sashimi and cream cheese on a bagel?

Here it's called lox.

Yemana

The hell it is. We had it before you did.

Fish

Drinking should be done in the privacy of one's home, where it's necessary.

Yemana

[answering the telephone] Twelfth Precinct, Sergeant Yemana. Yes, sir. A stolen car? What kind of car, Mr. Ravelli? A Studebaker. Will you describe the car, please? Black fenders, silver doors, green hood, polka-dot seat covers, monkey-fur dashboard—maybe it wasn't stolen; maybe it ran away.

Captain Miller, this was not my collar.

Barney

I'm aware of that.

Then why do I have to type it up?

Barney

Because, Wentworth, we make no distinction here between male and female. You're just another cop. Who happens to be a good typist.

It also happens, Captain, that I fired "expert" at the Police Academy.

Barney

Good! Then don't type them. Shoot them.