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SEASON 1

Are You Being Served? · Season 1

Are You Being Served? Season 1 quotes

99 quotes · page 6 of 7

S1 E15Unfinished Business

How are you today, Mr. Humphries?

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, Mrs. Slocombe.

*gasps* You've brought on my dream! Last night I dreamed that you were Squirrel Nutkin and I was a little lady squirrel. And you built your house half way up an oak tree.

Was it thatched in dandelion leaves?

*gasps again* How'd you guess?

I never use anything else!

Well, anyway, I climbed up your tree and I knocked on your little door, only you pretended you weren't in, so I had to kick it down. And there you were, hiding behind your acorns. What do you suppose that means?

It means that I'll have to build it a good size higher next year.

[To Miss Brahms. after the latter has caught her in the fitting room drinking alcohol] I'm just taking me slimming pill; only I've run out of water, and I can't bear neat gin.

[Mrs Slocombe, suitably fortified with gin and tonic, deals with a customer wishing to return a cardigan]

CCustomer

I'm going to take your name!

I'm sorry, madam, we're not allowed to give names.

CCustomer

Well, in that case, I... I shall remember your face!

[Mrs. Slocombe makes a face at the customer]

Quite a lot of ladies have thought twice about me. Trouble is, it's the second thought that puts them off!

[At ballet] Have they all forgotten the words?

KMr Klein

They don't have words in ballet, you ignorant burk!

Mr. Humphries, why are you different from the others?

Do you know, a lot of people ask that. Apparently, this was made for Mrs. Thatcher but when she got there, she said she wanted to be treated like any other woman going down a mine... and she was.

I see. Well can you find a B-flat in there?

Certainly sir. Would you like it on the flute, the horn, the Hawaiian guitar or the bass bassoon?

What on earth does that sound like?

[Low parp]

Mr. Spooner, if you're cheeky to me during working hours, you can expect a reprimand. However, any of your lip before we open and you'll get my umbrella up your hooter.

As that was the opening bell, a reprimand is all we can allow.

BMiss Belfridge

Mr. Rumbold, I must speak to you. There's a man in a blue overcoat looking through the window in your office.

Well what's so strange about that?

BMiss Belfridge

He's outside and we're on the fourth floor.

Good heavens!

[Both of them rush into his office]

Cor, who was that?

His new secretary.

Huh, bet they're paying her out for the electricity bill.

[Realising who Miss Belfridge is talking about] Blue overcoat?

Mr. Humphries!

Ooh, he's never climbed that drainpipe.

[Mock surprise] Ooh, not in those trousers.

About time, too. It's very draughty out here. Up a bit, George.

[George pulls up the machine until Mr. Humphries can clamber into the office]

This is as far as I go. Thanks for the lift. Oh...

This is most irregular.

I was just only using my initiative. I knew that the outside of the building was being painted, and after a little light banter with the workmen every morning, I took the advantage of their kind offer of a lift.

There's white paint on the back of your coat.

That must have been where I lost my nerve and he tried to steady me. D'you know I've no head for heights. And he was well over six foot tall.

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