[To his mother, on the phone] If a man rings up with a Scottish accent, you're the cleaner and you've never heard of me. No, I don't owe him any money...I don't owe him anything. What do you mean there's someone coming up the garden path in a kilt? Well, look, lock the door and hide in the cupboard. I'll phone you before I leave here. Whatever you do, don't open the door unless it's a young policeman carrying a rolled umbrella. And if I can borrow a helmet from the toy department, that'll be me."
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
HLMr Humphries & Mr Lucas
One for them and one for us, one for them and one for us, one for them and one for us. [Arab man holds up knife threateningly] All for them and none for us, all for them and none for us.
Let's see how that sounds. Happy birthday, dear Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh.
Sounds like a bad attack of indigestion.
"What are we going to sing now? Uh, Uh-Uh, Uh-Uh-Uh or Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh?"
Uh...
I'll settle for that.
No, we'll have two Uhs.
I entirely agree! To Uh-Uh is human.
I notice she didn't cry like that when she thought it was me.
Funny that...
Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?
I'm told people prefer the real thing.
Oh, how ridiculous! What is there to learn about toys? All you do is bounce them, cuddle them or turn them on!
Just like girls, really!
I just wanted you to know that I'm doing my best to get Grainger reinstated, but I'm having trouble getting through to Mr. Grace.
Why, is his telephone out of order?
No, his brain!
[About Miss Brahms, who is wearing a padded bra] You look like the Hunchfront of Notre Dame!
Lallies and Willets [Polari for Legs and Breasts] – that's a Bristol firm, isn't it?
Never mind where they hang out, what's in it for us?
[Mr. Rumbold is suggesting which shareholders each person should impersonate]
There's Jeffrey Longman. He is 28, broad-shouldered, 6 foot 2, blond haired, blue eyed, wealthy yacht owner.
Ooh, I like the sound of that!
You're not tall enough.
I know, I just like the sound of it.
Oh, this chap's quite a large shareholder. [He's a] professional dancer.
Oh, Mr. Humphries does a bit of dancing. Don't you, Mr. Humphries?
Oh yes. The word "versatile" has been applied to me before. [Begins to dance]
I must stop you; he's only got one leg. And he is from Nigeria. Could you play a one-legged, Nigerian tap-dancer?
Not with any degree of sincerity, no.
[To Humphries] One more insult from that man [Lucas] and these clothes are coming off!
Don't start distracting me now, I'm very busy!
What are you talking about? Alexander the Great was only my age when he died and he was practically ruling the world.
Yes, but could he take an inside leg?
It slipped right down, Mr Harman!
Well it can't have gone that far, tell her to speak up a bit, and try and get Captain Peacock on the same mic...
What if he shouted up her skirt?
[Angrily] No one is shouting up my skirt, saying they recognize the face!
[After viewing a sales model with rotating breasts] Excuse me Madam, I wonder if we could interest you in the new "Flexi-bra". However wayward your figure, the Flexi-bra will cling to it, and control it. [Shows her model]
MMadam
I know all about them, thank you. In fact, I wear one. [Opens coat to reveal her breasts rotating like the models]
SSir
And I have the matching pants. [Turns to reveal his buttocks rotating in the same fashion]
[Faints, collapsing into Lucas' arms]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Are You Being Served? pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.