Cordelia Chase quotes from Angel

Cordelia

[spins in Angel's chair] Hey, look at me, I'm Angel!

Wesley

He doesn't generally spin that much.

Cordelia

Right. This is Angel.

Oh, no, I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday.

Cordelia

What are you doing?

Wesley

Oh, knocking things over, driving away business ... you know, the usual.

Cordelia

Well, I found him and we have to stop him before it's too late, we have to change our ... Do you have any clothes a man would wear?

Cordelia

[pushes "open" button] They have vampire detectors!

Gunn

We know, it's cool. He's got a plan.

Wesley

A plan?

Angel

Yeah. [pushes a floor button] I get to the offices before they stop me.

Gunn

See? [whips his head around to stare at Angel] What? That's the plan? Walkin' real quick was "the plan"?

Cordelia

[pushes open] Angel, this is crazy. Listen to yourself. You're all insane and angry and [Angel pushes up] insane! You need help!

Angel

I'm not insane and I'm not angry.

Wesley

Euugh!

Gunn

Man, that's nasty.

Angel

Maybe I'm a little angry.

Cordelia

"Maybe"?!

Gunn

Okay, what I want to know is, how'd I live in L.A. all my life and not notice weird-ass stuff was going on?

Cordelia

Oh, the ass is even weirder than you think!

Wesley

The Host, the fellow talking to Angel over there? He helps demons, reads their souls, senses their futures...

Cordelia

Yes, but he can only do it when they sing Karaoke.

Angel

We're going, I don't have to sing.

Cordelia

Oh, thank God! [Angel stares at her.] I-I mean, for your sake, because I know you don't like to do that.

Angel

Uh huh.

Gunn

At gunpoint?

Cordelia

Yes! The point of a gun! He just walked Wesley right out of here. And this whole "I'm Angel" thing is a very, very bad idea. I mean, if I thought that would work, I could've been Angel, because, guess what? Pretty much a girly name.

Cordelia

Angel, Gunn, what happened?

Angel

He got hit.

Cordelia

By who? The swami? Swamies don't hit. Swamies swam.

Angel

Why is Wesley wearing my coat?

Bryce

She's impure? She-she's not a virgin? [Starts towards Wesley] You...

Gunn

Woah! That's what "impure" meant?

She slept with him?

Bryce

You were supposed to be Angel. This wouldn't have happened. That's why I hired him. He's a eunuch.

Cordelia

You slept with her?

Angel

A eunuch?

Wesley

Things happen. Two young people, danger...

Virginia

What are you talking about?

Bryce

She was a virgin before you got here.

Virginia

I was not a virgin!

Bryce

What?

Wesley

Oh, thank goodness.

Gunn

I could have told you she was no virgin.

Angel

Not a eunuch.

Cordelia

One day as Angel! One day, and he's getting some.

Bryce

What? How could you. I kept you away from all men!

Angel

The curse isn't even all that clear.

Virginia

Daddy, you remember that chauffeur from when I was 16? And the one at 18? I haven't been a virgin for a very long time. I even dated Rick.

Bryce

Ginny, don't do this! Don't make me angry!

Virginia

Right. Because then you might do something bad. You were going to kill me! [She punches Bryce, knocking him to the ground.] You are not my father anymore.

Angel

Not a eunuch.

Wesley

Cordelia has a point.

Cordelia

Finally!

Wesley

The last time Darla emerged she wanted to be found. Now she is out there among six million other people.

Cordelia

She could be sitting on top of anybody.

Angel

Come on, guys! We're a detective agency. We investigate things! That's what we're good at!

Cordelia

That's what we suck at. Let's face it - unless there's a website called www.Oh-By-the-way-we-have-Darla-stashed-here.com, we're pretty much out of luck.

Cordelia

Angel...

Angel

Cordy, just take a message. [To Wesley] So you think this is a setup?

Wesley

We mustn't rule it out.

Cordelia

Angel!

Angel

Cordy, please, I'm talking.

Cordelia

Hi Darla. He can't talk right now. He'll call you back once he's found you. (Angel runs over to Cordelia reaching for the phone) Yeah, bye-bye.

Angel

Darla?

Darla

My boy. My darling boy...

Angel

Where are you?

Darla

Better question: Where was I? I don't remember anything. It's a great big nothing. Could it be there's no hell?

Angel

There's a hell. A few of them. I've been to one.

Wesley

What happened to your head?

Cordelia

Excuse me?

Wesley

Your hair. It's.. new. It's great. When did this happen?

Cordelia

Ten days ago.

Angel

Cordelia. What happened?

Cordelia

It's not blood, it's cocktail sauce. Courtesy of Mr. Star Shmoozer here.

Angel

I mean your head. Your hair. It looks.. great. When did this happen?

Wesley

Ten days ago. Pay attention.

Wesley

I even spilled it on her in front of Mr. Fat Chow... Chow.

Cordelia

Chow Yun-Fat!

Angel

What? You met Chow Yun-Fat?

Cordelia

Angel's back. And he has Darla with him!

Cordelia

Hi. You're planning on sleeping over?

Darla

I'm dying.

Cordelia

So just for the one night then.

Wesley

Dying?

Darla

He doesn't believe it.

Wesley

Angel, what's going on?

Angel

Wolfram and Hart showed her some medical files supposedly proving that she's only got a few months left to live.

Cordelia

So maybe more than the one night.

Wesley

And you believe it's some kind of trick.

Angel

We're talking about Wolfram and Hart! Of course it's a trick. They're trying to play some kind of mind game.

Wesley

To what end?

Angel

I don't know, but we're not gonna take the bait.

Darla

No, you just don't wanna believe it, that's all.

Angel

I don't wanna believe anything from them.

Wesley

It's true. They can't really be trusted.

Darla

I don't trust them. But I know a thing or two about mind games. [To Angel] So do you. We've played them together for over a century.

Cordelia

Yes, but you were just soulless, blood-sucking demons. They're lawyers.

Angel

[to Darla] She's right. We were amateurs.

Cordelia

[to Darla] First up, you're a prisoner.

Wesley

I'd have to concur with that, yes.

Cordelia

See, you've got our friend all in knots.

Wesley

Can't say we like you much.

Cordelia

So, sorry about the dying, but if you try to escape, we will hit you.

Wesley

On the head.

Cordelia

With very large and heavy objects. Okay?