C'mon Uncle Cathy, it's time to go!
Nooo! It's Sammy Hagar's Jägermeister! Haygermeister! [pops top]
JJägermeister
YEAAAHH, BAAABAAAYY!!!
S7There Will Be Bad Blood
This thing bright is fuck!
That’s hot as fuck!
S7For Whom the Sleigh Bells Toll
BTBob Todd
You did it! You kissed the raccoon!
S7Fart-Break Hotel
What in the hell is that?
My zucchini casserole.
S7You Debt Your Life
YOU FUCKING FUCKERS ARE GONNA DO WHAT I SAY OR I WILL PUT MY GOD DAMN FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASSHOLE YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU CRAWLED OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S TWAT!
Barry!
Barry [Starts Crying]: I made a swear!
Alright, that's it! We're NOT doin' daily announcements anymore. All of you just...GET OUT OF HERE! [slams door]
[after kicking out multiple kids for out for screaming obscenities during the announcements]
Ugh, damn kids! [sighs] Sometimes I think I should have just stayed in Peru, moving coke. Machado was a cold bastard, but he was good to his men. And once you drew blood for him, you were set. Hooch, blow, girls! Not women, girls. [lasciviously] Little bitty things.
SSecretary
[opens door to the announcements room] Brian!
Principal Lewis [realizing that the microphone is still on while he was talking about rape with minors]: Oh, fuck me.
S7Jenny Fromdabloc
Hayley, I love you! And I'm not leaving until you say you love me back.
No, I don't love you, okay? I'm married. Sometimes happily.
I thought you might say that, but wait till you hear this. (He brings the orchestra people around) Aha! I hired a 12-piece orchestra to play your favorite song: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio.
(The orchestra starts playing Gangsta's Paradise)
Now, what do you say?
No.
I thought you might say that, but feast your eyes on this! (The orchestral people leave as a delivery truck drives up, and as the back door of the truck opens, there is an elephant and it trumpets) Aha! Elephant. Your favorite animal. I rented it for you! Say you love me.
No.
I thought you might say that, but wait until you see what's in the elephant's sack! (He gets a bunch of batteries and shows it to Hayley) Aha! Batteries! Your favorite thing on your favorite animal!
No.
I thought you might say that, but wait until you see this!
(Hayley says nothing, and Steve shakes his head. Dissolve to the sky that reads: "Snot and Hayley Forever" formed by a jet plane. In the Smith house, there are two Japanese women holding fans and four chairs that Snot is balancing on. There is also a sack of heart boxes full of chocolates and many strings of heart balloons attached to sacks.
Aha! What do you say now, my love?
Go away.
S7Home Wrecker
[as a bride, with Annabelle] Take a picture. It'll last longer.
S7Flirting with Disaster
Steve (inner monologue as he's building a birdhouse): Our birdhouse business had been hard on me, but it had taken a real toll on Roger. I knew it wasn't true. The classes, the girlfriend, the sobriety: it was all a lie. That's why I wasn't surprised to read in the paper that he had O.D.'d not ten seconds later. (zoom out to reveal Roger passed out and near death, with a wine bottle in hand, some pills next to a puddle of vomit, and a heroin syringe in his arm)
How would you like it if your wife worked here?
Oh, I'd love it. Is there an opening for a woman who bangs every black man she meets at a Red Lobster parking lot?
S7Gorillas in the Mist
RCRoger/Cuss Mustard
I like drinkin' and racecars/And big ol' fat women/And Jesus is awesome/He rose on Thanksgivin'
(the audience boos, yells at him to get off the stage, and hurls stuff at the screen protecting him)
Roger/Cuss Mustard (spoken over the angry crowd): You! I saw you! (continues singing over the boos): I eat Funyuns and tater tots/Ah kill squirrels with ma gun (finally has had enough): Ah, God! I'm finished!
GWGuy with Phone
Hello? (sighs) Is this an emergency? When was the last time Bobo ate? That long? Oh, this isn't good.
PPatron
Excuse me! Some of us are trying to watch this porno!
RCRoger/Cuss Mustard
I saw the ugliest woman/I ever did saw/Face like a turnip/And an underbit jaw
AMAudience Member #1
Yeah, man. Tell it like it is.
RCRoger/Cuss Mustard
Inbred from inbreds/Then inbred again/If ugly was pretty/Then she'd be a ten
Audience Member #2 (sitting next to a woman who looks like an ugly, off-model Peggy Hill): That sounds just like my wife!
RCRoger/Cuss Mustard
She was so damn ugly/So I got drunk and fucked her in my truck. (spoken): Good night!
(audience cheers as Hayley shakes her head disapprovingly)
S7 E1Hot Water
CLCee Lo Green
Well, hello there. My name...It's not important. Well, what is is the next half hour. You're gonna see a cautionary tale that may greatly influence your next hot tub purchase.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.