American Dad! quotes

527 total quotes

Hayley: I think he might be the one! I mean, if he dumped me, I don't know what I would do.
Francine [nervously]: You'd be fine!
Hayley: No, I think I'd go maximum crazy! I'd murder Bill... burn down the neighborhood... rape Roger!

Klaus: Damn you, Hasbro!

Klaus: [to Roger, who is beaten and bruised after his encounter with the East German Mafia] Use your board. Use your board. (Roger scribbles down something on a small chalkboard and shows it to Klaus) "How cute is Daniel Day-Lewis?" (Roger's eyes roll up in his head as he passes out): Oh good. The morphine's starting to work.

Male student in Steve's school: [seeing Steve wearing a back brace for correcting his scoliosis] Different!
[all students start throwing things at Steve]

McCreary: You're familiar with the first line of "Genesis", right?
Roger/Sydney Huffman: Well! I should say I am, sir. I should say I am!
McCreary: Does this sound right? "In the beginning God created the Heavens and a transvestite who pooped mozzarella dinosaurs."

Phillipe: [with heavy French accent] Mr. Francine, I know this must be upsetting. But understand I am a homosexual, yes?... You understand "homosexual"?...Yes?...So you will be loosing your wife not physically. But perhaps, emotionally. [walks into kitchen, Stan sits down on the couch]
Klaus: That guy is a douche, yes? You understand "douche"?...Yes?...

Phillipe: Tu vas etre célèbre!
Francine: "Phillipe, tu sais que ce n'est que le science qui m'interesse."
Stan: You speak French now, too?
Francine: "Un petit peu."

Roger (noticing that Steve has a bloody hole where his ear used to be): Steve... before the game, how many ears did you have?

Roger: And what Steve doesn't realize is I have a plan of my own. While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry handy-J.

Roger: Gee, I don't know Hayley. You think it might have something to do with me being drunk all the time? I'm an alcoholic, I have a problem, I'm just not ready to deal with it yet. Now get inside the suitcase.
(Hayley crouches in the suitcase and zips it up from the outside)
Hayley (from inside the suitcase): Are these...balloons filled with heroin?!
Roger (kicks the suitcase): Those are NOT for you!

Roger: Glock?
Stan: Check.
Roger: Kevlar vest?
Stan: Check.
Roger: Thing you should do to yourself before you wreck yourself?
Stan: Check.

Roger: I'm feeling happy already, I am on a lot of prescription pills though.... is that a story? ... no its an addiction.

Roger: Let's try that on the fart setting.

Roger: You know what grenadine turns cold cola into? Roy Rogers! You know what grenadine turns warm cola into? You tell ME when I throw it in your face!

Saunders: Hey, come on! Dick! Don't! Dick. Come on, Dick. Why are you doing this, Dick? This isn't you. I want the old Dick back. I don't want bad new Dick. I want good old Dick. Give me the Dick I'm used to. Give me the Dick I love.