Mother Jefferson(interrupting) Don't talk to me.
S4Lionel's Engagement
S4Archie Eats and Runs
MMike
Do you realize that before 1968, there were hardly any cars recalled for being defective? But in 1972, there were nearly eight million cars recalled.
Archie: And do you realize that in 1974, who cares?
So what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans? What is it, 100 to 1.
Mike: What is that? The New Math?
MMike
Yeah, yeah—what's the seventh number?
Gloria (who has a head cold) I gave you seven numbers.
Mike You gave me six numbers!! One of the numbers was a sneeze!!...What do you want me to do—do you see a "sneeze" on this dial?!
PIPatient in Sling
Doc, doc, doc... what about my arm?
Doctor: Hang onto it.
The bosses of that company ought to taste every mouthful of food before it leaves the factory.
Mike: How are you going to do that?
Archie: Haven't you ever heard of the olden days, the days of kings? The king used to have a special cook to taste the food. The cook dropped down dead, the king said, "See?" Then the king went into the kitchen and made a sandwich for himself.
S4Gloria Sings the Blues
MMike
Arch, you're not giving the fish a fighting chance.
Archie: I don't wanna fight with the fish, I wanna catch them.
Castor Oil cheered you up?
Archie: It'd be "cheered up", or get another dose.
MMike
(to Gloria) You realize how many boring things I've got to do in a single day to drive me crazy? I've got to get up, I've gotta brush my teeth, I have to shave—and I hate to shave. There are days where I stand there debating with that mirror: Should I shave, or should I cut my throat? But I shave.
Archie: You know, it's too bad you always lose that argument.
Oh, that energy crisis. I wish you'd come up with one of those hot flashes of yours when we need it.
Look at this: Rip Van Meathead.
Do you ever watch your husband dress himself in the morning?
Gloria: Sometimes.
Archie: Did you know that he puts on a sock and a shoe and a sock and a shoe, instead of a sock and a sock and a shoe and a shoe?
Gloria: What?
Archie: What's the sense in asking you? You wear pantyhose.
You know, I think most marriages break up because people don't wait long enough to recognize each other again.
S4Mike's Graduation
I don't have to have my dinner the minute I walk in the door.
MMike
Since when?
I just thought that maybe you'd like to go over to my chair and sit and study over there.
MMike
Huh?
Yeah! Hey, listen. I do my best thinking in that chair. When I'm in that chair, I don't know what's going on.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's All in the Family pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.