MMike
It's very simple, Mrs. Bunker. I'm an Agnostic.
Edith: Ohhh... You mean you want a Rabbi?
Archie: It's worse than that, Edith! I think it means he can't have kids!
S3Flashback: Mike and Gloria's Wedding (Part 1)
MMike
(to Archie) Whether you like it or not, people do make love every now and then.
Edith: More then than now.
S3Flashback: Mike and Gloria's Wedding (Part 2)
Gloria... The next time I kiss you, you'll be a married woman. Good-bye, Gloria!
S3The Locket
I'm sorry, Archie. I ain't myself today.
Archie: That might be an improvement, Edith.
MMike
Doubleheader today, huh, Arch?
Archie: What do you mean by that?
Mike: You're going to cheat the insurance company and Ma.
DDeliveryman
Look at this, Angelo. A whole half a buck.
Angelo: Why don't you tell (Archie) what he can do with it?
Deliveryman: I'd rather see him do it with the TV set.
(to Edith) How is it always when you do the best thing, it turns out the worst?
S3Mike's Appendix
(to Mike, about his appendix) If it's gotta go, it's gotta go. Why hang on to something that's useless?
Archie: That's what I've been asking you ever since you married him.
Michael, that's our money. We each contribute in our own way.
Archie: That's right. You contribute deposits, he contributes withdrawls.
All them surgeons, they're highway robbers. Why do you think they wear masks when they operate?
McKenzie costs more because the best always cost more. That's how you tell what's good in America: it costs more.
S3Edith's Winning Ticket
I wonder what they say when they sneeze...
Archie: Who's that, Edith?
Edith: The Chinese. I mean, do they say "God bless you" or "Buddha bless you"?
Archie: You really wanna know, the Chinks just sneeze and say nothing. They can't speak English.
Mike: Why couldn't they say "Buddha bless you" in Chinese?
Archie: Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara".
Mike: That's Japanese.
Archie: Same thing.
Mike: It's NOT the same thing.
Archie: You put a Jap and a Chink together, you're going to tell me which is which?
Mike: That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals.
Archie: Sure, you'd talk to them. You'd say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?"
MMike
I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.
Archie: Why don't you take a short walk on a long pier?
Mike: You can't even get THAT right! It's "Why don't you take a LONG walk on a SHORT pier?
Archie: Then do THAT.
MMike
C'mon, Archie, two measly dollars. Didn't you ever bet on anything?
Archie: Yes... I bet that my daughter would marry a human being and lost!
HJHenry Jefferson
Bunker, you ain't going to get away with this. You've been cheating us for 400 years!
Archie: What are you talking about? You've only been on the block for two years.
Henry: I'm talking about how you white people come to Africa to steal us, and then when you was through stealing us, and when we went around to watch you, you stolen our whole country!
Archie: I've never even BEEN to Africa!
Henry: Neither have I, and THAT'S your fault, too!
S3Archie and the Bowling Team
This is one of the greatest days of my life.
S3Archie Goes to the Hospital
Where's Gloria?
Mike: Oh, she said she'd stop by on her way from work.
Archie: I wish you could say you'd stop by on the way from work.
Mike: (sarcastic) You know Arch, it's really a thrill visiting you.
S3Oh Say, Can You See
Everybody has a little trouble seeing the words close-up after they pass a certain age.
Archie: I told you, it ain't age! It's the ink they use in the newspaper.
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