Will you do something for me?
Anything.
All right! I got all day to think about it.
S1 E1Pilot
What are we gonna do about Ruby? I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now.
I don't know, but honey, we got to do something 'cause I can't keep taking the kids to work with me. I mean, Kyle is screaming and crying all day and the little one...
Gracie.
Right. She keeps answering the phone: 'Hello I have a bagina. Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.
S1 E6The Crush
Would you mind taking your toothbrush out of my bathroom.
You didn't use it, did you?
Not on my teeth.
S1 E7Cheryl's Old Flame
Oh, honey, you smell so good. Did you have fries on the way home?
Hey, Cheryl, you know I wanted to ask you: that smoked ham that we had last night, was it regular ham when we bought it?
You know sweetie, I can quit smoking, but you'll always be an ass.
Geez, do you smoke with that mouth?
S1 E10An According to Jiminy Christmas
What's that on daddy's head.
Hair.
Hey, I got hair. I just don't comb it forward any more.
Hey, where are you going?
I'm going to the kitchen. If I can't sleep or have sex, I'm gonna eat.
S1 E12Model Behavior
Honey, I had no choice. You told me I couldn't do it.
Are you nervous?
No.
Then why are your hands so cold?
You made me hold your Slurpee!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's According to Jim pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.