Cheryl quotes from According to Jim

Cheryl

[about Jim] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.

Jim

Will you do something for me?

Cheryl

Anything.

Jim

All right! I got all day to think about it.

Cheryl

What are we gonna do about Ruby? I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now.

Jim

I don't know, but honey, we got to do something 'cause I can't keep taking the kids to work with me. I mean, Kyle is screaming and crying all day and the little one...

Cheryl

Gracie.

Jim

Right. She keeps answering the phone: 'Hello I have a bagina. Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.

Jim

Hey, Cheryl, you know I wanted to ask you: that smoked ham that we had last night, was it regular ham when we bought it?

Cheryl

You know sweetie, I can quit smoking, but you'll always be an ass.

Jim

Geez, do you smoke with that mouth?

Ruby

What's that on daddy's head.

Cheryl

Hair.

Jim

Hey, I got hair. I just don't comb it forward any more.

Cheryl

Hey, where are you going?

Jim

I'm going to the kitchen. If I can't sleep or have sex, I'm gonna eat.

Jim

I married her for her looks.

Cheryl

I married him for his money.

Jim

Hah! I win!

Cheryl

Remember when dad took us to see 'The Exorcist'? I still have trouble going to bed sometimes!

Dana

Of course you do, you sleep with Jim!

Jim

Where's the rulebook?"

Cheryl

What rulebook?"

Jim

You know. The religious one . . . the Bible.

Jim

Erik Estrada asked me directions and he gave me.. the guns!

Cheryl

"It was not Erik Estrada and it was the thumbs up sign!

Jim

Guns!

Cheryl

Thumbs up!

Jim

GUNS!

Cheryl

THUMBS UP!

Jim

Cheryl, can Kyle swim?

Cheryl

I don't care. Hey, were's Andy? I thought you guys had that Indianapolis 500 thing?

Jim

Yeah, we did, but then he remembered he had a doctor's appointment. You know what? He's been on this health kick ever since he had those chest pains. I don't get it.

Cheryl

Hey, you know what? I'm going to do a few pages in our holiday scrap book later. Wanna help me?

Jim

I'm bored Cheryl, not somebody else.

Cheryl

How's Fluffy?

Jim

Well, he needs surgery. It costs 2100 bucks.

Cheryl

Oh my God. When's it scheduled for?

Jim

Well, the same day that 2100 dollars falls from the sky.

Cheryl

"kay, honey I know it's a lot of money, but we're just gonna have to find some ways to make some cutbacks.

Jim

You know what, you're absolutely right. First cutback: Fluffy the guinea pig!

Cheryl

Are you crazy?

Jim

Yes. You know that.

Cheryl

Oh, honey. You know you're the only man for me. And you know when we're inside that bedroom, we are both only thinking about you.

Dana

Cheryl, I think he's choking.

Andy

Oh my god, Jim! Jim, are you OK!

Jim! Jim! Jim!