[about Jim] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.
S3 E1The Errand
S3 E14House for Sale
Everyone, circumcise your watches.
S3 E17Cheryl Sings
MMindy
[speaking Japanese] Shinjuku eki-wa doko des-ka. [Where is the train station?] Who can guess what that means?
I'd like to kill myself.
MMindy
Silly – no.
No, I'd like to kill myself.
S3 E19When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 2 of 2)
Jim, I'm gonna kill you. Then I'm gonna get off this boat, go to Haiti, learn Voodoo, raise you from the dead, and kill you again!
I've been drinking my own spit. I drank my own spit!
S3 E20No Crime, But Punishment
Cheryl, books are for idiots!
S3 E21The Baby
Dana, I'm going to be a daddy! What's new with you, nothing, right?
The amazing thing about these little babies is that they give you the chance to start over.
S3 E22Who's the Boss?
[about World War II] Write this down. We win. They Lose. USA #1.
S3 E23The Truck
[to Cheryl] When I got home from work and you weren't in the kitchen, I feared the worst.
What, that you'd have to make your own dinner?
S3 E24The Toilet
The toilet comes with a lifetime guarantee! So we'll never have to worry about buying another toilet. And when I die, Kyle will inherit the throne. It'll be like Shakespeare!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's According to Jim pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.