Well you know what Cheryl? I'm having a cutlery sale: 50% off every knife in my back!
S2 E10The Christmas Party
S2 E12Moral Dilemma
Here's a language everybody understands. [Pulls out a bill]
Is that a one dollar bill Jim?
Yes. Dana, in their country this can clothe and feed an entire village for a year.
S3 E1The Errand
[about Jim] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.
S3 E14House for Sale
Everyone, circumcise your watches.
S3 E17Cheryl Sings
MMindy
[speaking Japanese] Shinjuku eki-wa doko des-ka. [Where is the train station?] Who can guess what that means?
I'd like to kill myself.
MMindy
Silly – no.
No, I'd like to kill myself.
S3 E19When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 2 of 2)
Jim, I'm gonna kill you. Then I'm gonna get off this boat, go to Haiti, learn Voodoo, raise you from the dead, and kill you again!
I've been drinking my own spit. I drank my own spit!
S3 E20No Crime, But Punishment
Cheryl, books are for idiots!
S3 E21The Baby
Dana, I'm going to be a daddy! What's new with you, nothing, right?
The amazing thing about these little babies is that they give you the chance to start over.
S3 E22Who's the Boss?
[about World War II] Write this down. We win. They Lose. USA #1.
S3 E23The Truck
[to Cheryl] When I got home from work and you weren't in the kitchen, I feared the worst.
What, that you'd have to make your own dinner?
S3 E24The Toilet
The toilet comes with a lifetime guarantee! So we'll never have to worry about buying another toilet. And when I die, Kyle will inherit the throne. It'll be like Shakespeare!
S4 E4The Garage Door
Urine... You're in danger, you're in trouble...
You're insane!
S4 E5Dress to Kill Me
All right. I was hoping you wouldn't come to this, but I'm gonna have to call the Halloween police. That's right, Kyle. What you do is illegal. But they're not gonna arrest you. No, they're gonna come and take daddy away. Is that what you want?
KKyle
I want to be Cinderella!
All right! (looks at Andy) That's it, I need a break. You want a beer?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's According to Jim pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.