You know, I was kind of hoping to bond with some of the cool guys in the class, but they totally shut me off of their chunky dad clique. I don't think they were thrilled with how much hair I have or the ease with which I can get an erection.
Not my favourite thing either, dude.
[to Abby] You were totally showing me up! I mean, how could you get good at this baby stuff, anyway? What, are you hanging out at family restrooms taking notes? Diapering chimps at the zoo? What are you trying to prove?
I wasn't trying to prove anything. I was trying to help you. You are welcome!
And you were loving watching me struggle!
[whispers to Zack] I have to pee.
Do it in the sink.
You just can't stand to see me be better than you at anything. I always wondered what it would be like if I was better at something than you. And now I know. You are so gracious. You got the good hair, the glamorous job and the baby on the way, but do I explode in your face with resentment? No, I keep it in. I control it, because I love you! [throws a tantrum, then goes away]
[shouts angrily at Abby] I love you too! [forces the door halfway, then slowly closes it and enters the kitchen]
Oh, you are home.
[sees Davis just about to pee in the sink] Davis! [Davis slips down the sink]
Zack, um, remember that high speed chase that went from Fresno down to Bakersfield?
Yeah.
Yeah. Real nasty. Uh, they put out spikes to flatten the tires, big explosion, then the guy ran away, and then the dogs got him?
Yeah. That's my son, Carl. And my daughter doesn't talk to me because I had her fiancée deported. So, what can I help you with?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Accidentally on Purpose pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.