Janine Teagues quotes from Abbott Elementary

Jacob

Psst! I think we might just be able to nip this commercial in the bud. Melissa called in a favor.

Janine

And now you've made me an accessory.

Jacob

She's got a friend who's a lawyer.

Janine

Oh, fun. Okay.

Jacob

Yeah.

Mr. F. A. D. E.!

Tariq

Aw, yeah.

Janine

Yeah, they do. It's crazy.

Uh, my eighth-grade students and I will need the gym and a safety ladder next week.

Gregory

For a dunk contest?

No. We'll be doing the egg drop. Appreciate it if everyone can bring any eggs that they can spare.

Ava

Well, sounds like you got it all out. I'll see you in an hour.

Janine

Oh, no. Wait. I think, um ... I think I might, uh ... I don't think I'm gonna be able to come in today.

Ava

So dramatic. Next time, start with that.

Janine

Look, I have a binder I keep for subs. It has ev...

Ava

Venus, call in a sub for Ms. Teagues' class. Preferably male. 6'2 ", 6'3" in boots. A Gregory Eddie type. Headshots if you got 'em.

Ava, there's a county-wide sub shortage. It was in the memo the district sent last week.

Ava

What? I have no record of that.

It says, "Attention Principal Coleman. Urgent. Must Read."

Ava

They all say that.

Gregory

You don't want to stick around to see if Barbara drinks enough fun punch to do the heel­ toe?

Janine

Oh, no, I definitely do. But, um, I'm meeting Erika. So, I gotta go get ready.

Gregory

Oh. Leaving a school function early? That's new.

Janine

It is new. I am having a life outside of school.

Gregory

Well, that's nice. I'm also going out with some friends tonight.

Janine

Okay, cool. Well... I hope you have a good time, and enjoy your break.

Gregory

Yeah. You, too.

Janine

Yeah.

Janine

What was that?

Gregory

Nothing.

Janine

Did I see your last name on it?

Gregory

It's a flier for my dad's landscaping company.

Janine

Aww. Uh, is that your brother?

Gregory

No, I'm actually an only child, but apparently appearing to be a family business help: bring in customers.

Janine

That's... Sorry, so your... Your dad, he hired an actor to play his son instead of just asking you?

Gregory

Yeah.

Janine

I think I'm confused.

Gregory

You're not.

Ava

Well, he fine. Can I have your fake brother's real number? I'd like to climb that family tree.

No, thank you.

Ms. Teagues, people aren't paying attention to us.

Janine

Don't give up yet, David. Sometimes you just got to put on a little show, you know, so that they can't ignore us, right?

Excuse... Excuse me, ma'am.

Janine

It's not the most current dance, but, uh, I do it really well, so...

Hello, sir. May I interest you in some delicious candy?

Hell no. Good luck with your fake basketball team, though.

Janine

Hey.

Hey.

Janine

Hey. Happy birthday.

Jacob

Happy birthday, Ayesha!

Janine

That's my friend, Jacob.

Jacob

Great to meet you!

Yeah, nice to meet you, too.

Melissa

Single-file line, most flammable kids first, and remember... no running!

Ava

Everybody out! This is a real fire in the teachers' lounge! This is a real fire! This is not a drill! Hootie-hoo!

Janine

Wait, Ava, where are you going?!

Ava

I'm protecting my peace. The firefighters are almost here. Y'all got it!

Janine

Okay, real fire.

Gregory

Um, okay, um... A-Alright, two, three, four, five.

Janine

You guys up. Turn that way.

Barbara

I hope this isn't another assembly about a new e-mail system. I am not doing two-step verification. They can just hack me.

Melissa

They did hack you. Remember when your account sent out all that pornography?

Barbara

I do not.

Melissa

Okay.

Janine

Hey. Is that seat taken? 'Cause I can stand. It builds chair-acter.

Janine

Here it is. Item number seven of next week's school board meeting. "A proposal to transition Abbott Elementary into a Legendary Charter School for the 2023-24 school year."

Jacob

Times New Roman, the most decisive of the fonts.

Melissa

Well, I guess that's it. Draemond goes to the school board, we become a charter.

Jacob

This is horrible. I can't be a charter teacher. I-I don't have the wardrobe for it.

Gregory

School district's gonna hang us out to dry yet again. Can't we call the teacher's union or something?

Melissa

All they can do is help us find a job at another public.

Janine

Hey.

Gregory

Hey.

Melissa

Ugh! Disgusting.

Janine

Alright. Wow, we're just not biting our tongues anymore? This is vintage.

Melissa

Okay, no. There's a green bubble on the group chat.

Gregory

I have an iPhone, but I left the group chat after Mr. Johnson started that soup thread.

Jacob

Uh, it's me, okay? I-I got a new phone. A droid.

Janine

Wait, there's a group chat?

Barbara

People have thrown dirt on my name. Others have given flowers. But it’s all a garden to me.

Janine

Barbara, I’ve never seen you fail a child. You always find a solution

Barbara

Oh, please. I do not always have the answers. But I always show up. And that’s what matters

Gregory

Huh?

Wait, wait, wait. So, for clarity, you don't think you were being selfish?

Janine

No.

Oh, so it's normal for you to invite a guy to his favorite barbecue restaurant just to break up with him in front of his friend who you kissed but didn't actually date?

Janine

I didn't think of it that way.

Yeah. It stung a little bit, but it's all good. I, too, become selfish sometimes. For example, I'm ghosting this girl right now. You know, she thinks I'm dead, but this convo, it inspired me to reach out to her, send her a text. I wouldn't want to hurt her.

Barbara

They're not all bad.

Jacob

I think they're cool.

Ava

Mnh.

Gregory

I actually like them this year.

Melissa

Shocking.

Ava

I don't know. I feel like they've been unequivocally and universally worse than they've ever been. From unhelpful to unbearable.

Janine

Good morning, Abbott Elementary!

Melissa

Yeah. Okay, class, uh... Ms. Schemmenti's gonna step outside for a sec. Guys, watch 'em, okay?

Janine

Oh, you guys don't have to do that.

Heads down, thumbs up. Time to play seven up!

Janine

They actually listened. Have you ever considered teaching?

Uh... y'all hiring? I mostly work on Sundays.