Janine Teagues quotes from Abbott Elementary

Janine

Huh. What thing?

Jacob

You know, that thing, where you look at something and you're like, "That's good."

Janine

Well, I'm adding a filter that's gonna rain glitter, so...

Jacob

That's not gonna compete with singing parrots. It just needs a little showmanship.

Janine

Well, I'm not a showman.

Ava

Hey, girl.

Janine

Hey, Ava. You know I can't just leave my classroom unattended like this, right?

Ava

It's five minutes. It's not like something could go wrong in five minutes.

Janine

A lot can go wrong, actually.

Ava

If you say so. Anyway, one of Melissa's students will be transferring into your class.

Janine

Really? Why?

Ava

Girl, I don't know. Things happen all day. Maybe she wants to be closer to the bathroom. Maybe she like you more. Maybe she got some kind of Meek Mill-Drake feud going on with one of her classmates. I don't know.

Janine

Maybe she likes me better.

Barbara

My youngest, Gina... She participated in a young-engineers program. It did wonders for her.

Janine

Mm.

Barbara

Looks good on a college application, too.

Janine

Mm-hmm. Hey, Gregory, what do you think?

Gregory

Oh, I think I've been here for like five minutes, so I don't really have a say.

Janine

That is Ava. She's funny.

Well, I'm so excited to be here. I cannot wait to collaborate.

Janine

Okay, let me go show you around. Come on.

Ava

Pulling off overalls? That's not easy.

Janine

You know, a lot of people are slow to warm to Tariq, but you guys get along so well. Maybe you should come out and get pizza with us this weekend.

Jacob

Oh, I can't. I'm busy on Saturday.

Janine

I didn't even say a date yet. W... Oh, I see what's happening. You don't want to be the third wheel.

Jacob

No.

Janine

No, don't worry. I actually know a great guy I want to set you up with.

Jacob

Uh, thanks, but I don't know how my boyfriend would feel about that.

Janine

Your what?

Jacob

My boyfriend.

Janine

You have a boyfriend? What's his name?

Jacob

Uh, Zach.

Janine

Zach? And how long have you two been dating?

Jacob

Like a year, plus another year.

Janine

Jacob, how did I not know any of this? You've never mentioned him. Well, actually, I guess I just answered my own question.

Jacob

I thought you knew. I mean, I could've swore I told you. My friends say I won't shut up about him.

Janine

Your friends? I thought we were friends.

Jacob

We are. Yeah, we're friends. We're just, you know...

Janine

"You know" what?

Jacob

W-Work friends. We don't talk about real deep stuff.

Janine

You told me when you got a tapeworm in Zimbabwe.

Jacob

Um, um, yeah, I was... I was trying to be helpful, in case you ever go to Africa. Look, work friends are still friends. They're just, like, friends in one place.

Janine

Well, I thought we were friends in all places.

Janine

Hey!

Melissa

Oh. I-I got... I got a conflict.

Janine

You don't know what it is yet. My class is putting on a step show next Friday. We made so much progress.

Barbara

Oh, we hear you in there, stomping the yard.

Melissa

Yeah, you sound like a regular Major Payne.

Janine

Yes, well, we are building something.

Barbara

I love a good step show. It's so good for the kids.

Janine

Right?

Ava

Who gave you permission to put this on my wall? Is this Comic Sans?

Janine

Oh! Dig on me.

Yes. Because, ultimately, she just wants me to be someone like you.

Janine

So... now is probably not a good time to talk about the parent-teacher con...

Barbara

No.

Janine

Okay. Right.

Janine

We're going about this all wrong. You know you don't build a dam in the middle of a river, you build it before the water comes.

Jacob

That is so wise.

Ava

[simultaneously] What the hell are you talking about?

Janine

After making many phone calls and pretending to slip on a beer can at the Flyers' arena, I've managed to get the only celebrity that matters to come surprise our kids on the first day of school. America's favorite orange, furry sweetheart, Flyers mascot, Gritty!

Melissa

Yes!

Janine

Yes!

Ava

You should've said that as soon as you stood up. No need for those other words you said. Yes, Janine!

Barbara

The kids are gonna love this.

Melissa

Yes!

Janine

I know, right?

Gregory

I don't get Gritty.

Janine

What the hell, Gritty? You're supposed to be here next Monday! What are you doing here?

Jacob

Okay. He says he's scheduled for today.

Janine

What? No.

Jacob

And it's been almost a year, okay? It is beyond time that they reboot "Spider-Man" again.

Janine

Yeah, you're right. I love it. But who can replace Tom Holland?

Melissa

I'll tell you who... That little magical cutie, that Harry Potter.

Gregory

Daniel Radcliffe?

Melissa

Yeah.

Janine

Ava, have you seen a... Is this you?

Ava

Oh. That must have fell in there by mistake. Mind your business.

Gregory

What you looking for?

Janine

Uh, I lost something.

Ava

What? Your sense of style? Ha ha! Up top!

Janine

No.

Ava

You a hater.

Gregory

What'd you lose?

Janine

Uh, it was a shawl that was in my classroom. It was my warmest one. I am so cold. [CHUCKLES]

Gregory

You think someone took it?

Janine

Who would just take a shawl?

Janine

Really?

Melissa

Yeah. Oh, God. I'm gonna regret this, but... you just come to my place tonight.

Jacob

What time? I mean, can I come? I need you to help me with my wine pairings. Zach... he gets embarrassed when I ask the clerk for the, "second least expensive bottle."

Melissa

Well, I couldn't think of a reason why you can't quick enough, so yeah, I frickin' guess you can, buddy.

Janine

Yay.

Melissa

And we'll just get rid of that.

Janine

Whoa.

Janine

Would you look at this? The kids love it, and the juice is flying off the trays.

Jacob

Yeah, maybe next year we could get real meat.

Janine

Mmm. Mm. What's that I taste? Is that the nectar of sweet victory? Yeah, the kids are having more juice, but less sugar, and they seem very happy.

Barbara

That's nice, dear.

You brought "Trivial Pursuit."

Janine

Yes, and people had fun playing it in between illegal drinking. What are you doing here?

Oh, well, I guess my nephew's in your class. He's dressed as Baby Thanos. I'm helping my sister with drop off this week. How are you doing, though? I saw on Facebook you and Tariq broke up. He made a memorial page for your relationship and everything.

Janine

Yeah, I asked him not to do that. Um, but, yeah, I'm ... I'm doing fine. Just had to take a step back ...