Koenma quotes from YuYu Hakusho

Koenma

Sensui had sworn his life to protecting his race from demons. But here, humans were enacting cruelties a thousand times worse than anything he'd seen from a demon. Black and white blurred, flipped upside down. His mind wasn't big enough to hold the change. [Sensui screams] Sensui lived his life on the straight and narrow. But what he saw that night went against everything he knew the world to be.

Botan

This is Yusuke Urameshi, and he's honored to meet you.

Koenma

Mm-hmm.

Botan

[hitting Yusuke] Hey, are you trying to make me look stupid? Tell him how honored you are!

[laughing] That's a good one, Botan, but let's be serious, okay?

Botan

Why would I lie about something like this, you moron?

[still laughing, pointing at Koenma] Why would the Spirit World be run by a toddler?

Botan

[slapping Yusuke's hand] Don't point your finger at him!

And to think I was scared of the mighty King Yama!

Koenma

[clearing his throat] Well to be more exact, I am the mighty Koenma, and I am the son of King Yama. Even though I appear to be a child, I have been around over fifty times longer than you have, so watch your mouth when you speak to me.

So it takes hundreds of years to move past a diaper?

Botan

[punching Yusuke in the head] Can't you show an ounce of decency?!

Koenma

Actually, I'm proud to say that in addition to knowing the greatest secrets of the universe, I am also quite potty-trained.

Koenma

[presenting a golden egg] Yusuke Urameshi, I present you...your ordeal.

My ordeal is a golden chicken egg?

Koenma

Your ordeal will be what is inside of it, and I assure you, it won't be a chicken. Hatch this egg, and face what comes out.

So what's the trick? Do I do something to hatch it?

Koenma

No, no, not at all. You only have to keep it with you. This is a Spirit Beast, and it feeds off the energy emitted from your soul. This will be a true and constant test of your character. The things you do and feel will change the monster inside for better...or for worse. If, as would be expected from your files, your spirit is wicked and cruel, then the beast that hatches will be the same way. It will devour you, and you'll be lost forever. This, as you might imagine, is a very painful experience. However, if the energy you emit is good and true, then so will be the Spirit Beast. It will take care of you and guide you back into your living body. Of course, if it sounds too risky, you can opt out and remain as a ghost. The choice, Yusuke Urameshi, is yours.

Koenma

Yusuke, you've shown to have more character than I thought. I've been trying to figure out whether people around you really want you back. Contrary to my personal opinion, they actually do. More importantly, you've exhibited astounding potential to be a decent human being. Because this trait is so rare, I've decided to give you another chance. In retrospect, it was a very good thing you threw this egg into the fire. If you had allowed it to hatch, the Spirit Beast, which had been feeding off your constant negative energy, would not have been a pretty sight. It would have bitten your head off. But as you and I know, that's not what happened. You threw the egg into the fire without hesitation, saving Keiko's life at the cost of your own. You have a special quality buried underneath all that crap, and your added experience with death could make you very useful.

[flabbergasted] You think I'm useful?!

Nice pad. My mom must've had good fire insurance. So are you going to put me back in my body now?

Koenma

Not just yet. Energy of the body and energy of the soul have their own wavelengths. Unless the two are perfectly aligned, they cannot join, which won't happen until tomorrow.

[excitedly] Wow! Starting tomorrow I'll be a human with real fists and everything!

Koenma

Well, that's the best case scenario. There is a small problem: the frequencies of your wavelengths, interestingly enough, are lower than most people. If you miss this chance tomorrow, you'll have to wait awhile to realign.

What are we talking about, like weeks or months?

Koenma

Fifty-two years.

[aghast] Fifty-two years?!

Koenma

Yes, but I think it would be wise if you tried to do it tomorrow instead, and in order for that to happen you'll need someone in the Living World who cares about you at least a little bit to donate their life energy.

You mean like a human sacrifice?

Koenma

Are you kidding? I'm not evil. They must give it to you...through the lips! [seeing Yusuke's horrified expression] I don't see what's surprising about that; haven't you heard of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

Koenma

Five more minutes. What will you do if she doesn't make it in time?

The only thing I can do: wait around another fifty years. Then I'll go see Keiko when she's an old hag!

Keiko

Please come back. I need you. Yusuke, please! [starts crying] Yusuke! No, don't go! No! Yusuke!

Koenma

She didn't make it.

Botan

[looking around in confusion] Huh?

Hey, nice kiss.

Keiko

[throwing her arms around Yusuke, tears of joy running down her cheeks] Oh, Yusuke!

Koenma

Where will you take him?

Somewhere his soul won't be subjected to your overbearing scorn and judgement, where it will be safe from hypocritical administrators who train a boy to be a killer and then hunt him down for being one as a man. You people do not deserve Shinobu's soul. Your Spirit World will have to create another enemy so you can keep on fighting, as that is, after all, what you do. But Shinobu and I grow weary of that. We are going to spend the rest of eternity together in solitude and in peace.

Damn it. If I kicked his ass, why do I still feel like he won.