Yeah you got that right, oh my!
Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the old rasslin' show, look who's back in town! The boys who were rebels before being a rebel was cool, D-Generation X!
With that said, [crowd chants "DX"]
Oh here we go! That didn't take long did it?
These people remember DX!
You damn right. ARE YOU READY? [crowd cheers]
I don't know if we are or not, but we better get ready.
They're ready! I don't know if Eric Bischoff is ready.
Then, for the thousands in attendance, and for the millions watching at home, LET'S GET READY TO SUCK IT!
Oh ho ho there it is! [Triple H suddenly kicks Michaels in the gut]
What the hell?! [Triple H pedigrees Michaels] No!
Triple H with a Pedigree on Shawn Michaels! Good God almighty!
What the hell is this about?!
What is this about, look at this!
Shawn Michaels has not been in the ring in four years, he is, he, what the hell is this about?!
[Triple H and Ric Flair appear on the stage after Kane successfully defends the World Tag Team Championship in a TLC match]
Kane, I promised you that before this night was over, your life would never be the same. You said this is the happiest you've ever been in your life, huh? Well, unfortunately, some people always can't be that happy. [crowd chants "asshole" at Triple H] Let me ask you a question, Kane! How happy is Katie Vick? Yeah, that's right. I know, Kane. I know it all. Ten years ago, you killed her. That's right, Kane. You are a murderer. [Kane stands in the ring, speechless]
Katie Vick was a friend of mine, and Katie Vick is dead. But I didn't kill her. It was an accident, and I am not a murderer! See, Katie and I were friends about ten years ago. Back when I first started wrestling. In fact, she came to my first match, and she was probably the only one that cared when I was getting beat up. I cared about her too. One night, Katie and I, uh, we went to a party and Katie had too much to drink. So I decided that I should drive her home. I wasn't real familiar with a stick shift, but Katie insisted that we take her car, uh, it was dark, the road was slick as it was raining and a animal jumped, jumped right out in front of us, and uh, I swerved, swerved to uh, to avoid it, and the car spun out of control, went off the road, and uh, I broke my arm, but, but Katie was uh, Katie was killed instantly. But it was an accident! But it's something that I have to live with and, something that I've thought about every day since. So, the only thing that I have left to say is what I said to Katie's parents. I'm sorry.
Oh boo hoo, Kane! Boo hoo! You've got me all choked up with your touching story Kane. But since you're out here, baring your soul, why don't you tell the world the whole truth? Why don't you tell the world that when the people from that party were questioned, they all said that you were drinking too, Kane. Why don't you tell everybody how when the police got to the accident scene, there were empty beer cans in the car and all around the crime scene. And more importantly Kane, why don't you explain to the world how when doctors did the autopsy on Katie Vick's body, the doctors found your semen. That's right, Kane. Oh, Katie Vick was a whole lot more than just a "friend" to you, wasn't she, Kane? The fact is, you loved Katie Vick. You were madly in love with Katie Vick. The problem was, Katie Vick liked you. She didn't love you, Kane. Katie didn't share your "special" feelings that you had. And come on, Kane, honestly. Who can blame her? Look at you. Who could realistically love a burnt-up freak like you? Now Kane, I know that you weren't charged with murder. I know you weren't even charged with manslaughter. But Kane, facts are facts. And the fact is Kane, the fact is that all of this points to you! You know it, I know it, the whole world knows it. You killed Katie Vick! But Kane, the question I have is, on that night, did you force Katie Vick to have sex with you while she was alive, or did you just wait and do it to her when she was dead?
And I love each and every one of you people too. [crowd boos]
He really means it folks.
Hey hey hey hey hey. But tonight, Big Show's going to find out what happens when you lay your hands on Eric Bischoff. And at Survivor Series, Stephanie McMahon is going to find out what happens when you try to out-promote Eric Bischoff. Now make no mistake about it, that Hell in a Cell match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker, it was a spectacle.
No, it was a bloodbath. No mistake about it. But it is going to pale in comparison to the match that I have in mind. You see, at Survivor Series, you're going to witness an ingenious creation. One that could only come from the mind of Eric Bischoff.
Oh boy! This'll be good. [camera shows a sign that reads "ERIC BISCHOFF SUCKS"] Hey.
At Survivor Series, you will bear witness to the Elimination Chamber.
Sounds scary. Look at that look.
Welcome everyone to Monday Night Raw here in Knoxville. Raw general manager Eric Bischoff, chief of staff Chief Morley already in the ring.
What are these guys doing out here?
CMChief Morley
At this time, Mr. Eric Bischoff and I, Chief Morley, are out here to address two men. Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the Titantron. [Shawn Michaels appears on the Titantron] The first man we would like to introduce is the World Champion, Shawn Michaels. [crowd cheers] The other is the challenger to the World title, Triple H. [Triple H appears on the Titantron and the crowd boos] Mr. Bischoff.
Thank you, chief. You know, Shawn, Hunter, after everything that you two have been through, it's clear to me that your World title match at Armageddon cannot be just a regular match. Absolutely not. Which is why I, Eric Bischoff, have decided that your World title match at Armageddon will be two out of three falls. And that's just the beginning. You see, you two have so much history together, that I've devised a way to encapsulate everything that you've been through. And here's how it's going to work. The first fall, just like your match at SummerSlam, is going to be a street fight.
MMorley
The second fall, just like your match at Survivor Series, will take place inside a steel cage.
Oh. And if it goes to a third fall, well then Hunter, you're gonna have a chance to compete in a match that Shawn Michaels made famous. A ladder match!
You see, this issue between you two is coming to an end at Armageddon. And with Armageddon less than a week away, Shawn, Hunter, the end is near.
What, man I'll tell you what King, that is no truer statement I don't think can be spoken regarding the end is near. Can you imagine this Sunday at Armageddon in Fort Lauderdale, on pay-per-view, a best two out of three fall match. The first fall, just at SummerSlam, a street fight. The second fall, inside a steel cage. And what about that third fall if necessary?
Well, if necessary. as he said. The fall is gonna consist of a match that Shawn Michaels made famous, a ladder match.
Today marks the beginning of a new era. You see, in this industry, just like in life, everything evolves. And what you see in this ring before you is the greatest example of Evolution you will ever see. Ric Flair, 16 times Heavyweight Champion of the World, the Nature Boy, the greatest professional wrestler of all time, a living legend. WHOO! Ric Flair has done it all and has beaten them all and done with a class and a style like no one else. Take it from me: There is no one better than Ric Flair.
And all of the things Flair represents, I am today. I have taken all of those attributes and I have put them into the ultimate package. I have put them into a body that every man out there wishes he had and every single one of you women out there wants to be with. You top that off with a mind made for this business and you get the greatest Ring General of all time. You get the best that there is. You get The Game. You get the World Heavyweight Champion. Trust me, trust me when I tell you that there is only one diamond in this business, and baby, you’re looking at him.
But evolution always continues, and you have to look to the future. And I look to you, Dave Batista. 6'5", 325 pounds of genetic stopping power! Unbridled destruction! In a war, when all seems lost, you take out your biggest gun and you blow them all away.
And Randy Orton. The business in his blood. Third-generation Superstar, the man has every gift a man can be given. Raw, raw genetic talent. Randy Orton is the diamond-[correcting himself] Randy Orton is the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond.
You see, in life, everything happens for a reason. That's just the natural process of evolution. You see, and if you don't have what it takes, you will be left behind. So if you wake up one day, and you’re lying in a hospital bed, and you’re all beat up and you’re wondering to yourself what in the hell happened, then there's just one answer for you: Evolution has just passed you by.
[from an exclusive interview, a few weeks after Goldust was electrocuted]
Goldust, let's get right to the heart of the matter, how are you feeling these days?
GGoldust
Question is, after last week's beating, how are you feeling, JR?
JJim
Well...uh, I'll-I'll be all right, but I'm a whole lot more concerned about you and...give us an update.
GGoldust
Well, I was electrocuted, you know, there's...you either die or you live, and, uh...happily, I lived, and-and hopefully soon I'll be back.
JJim
Your good friend Booker T said that, on a recent interview, that "good ol' Goldie wasn't quite right". Uh, there's also been rumors abounding that, uh, you have some neurological challenges you're trying to overcome. How do you address those rumors?
GGoldust
There's been a lot of rumors for a lot of years about Goldust not being "right". As far as Booker T's concerned, he's my best friend. He's been my supporter. The fans have sup - [twitching] ooh, ooh, ooh - supported me through thick and thin.
GGoldust
Well, they've supported me. I feel good. I feel as good as...I feel - uhh, AHH! - as good as gold, I'm coming back - AHH!
JJim
Look, Goldust, I'm...I don't think - I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say that, uh...there's something wrong here.
GGoldust
Well, I-I think there's something wrong too, you know, the doctors don't - ooh, ooh - don't...don't...mmm...don't, don't really know what's wrong with me, you know. Uh, but they say as long as I take...take my medication that-that-that-that...that, uh, you know, everything will - AHH! - work it...work itself out, so...you know, that's - AY! - that's all I can say.
JJim
If you had the opportunity to say something to the two men that did this to you - Randy Orton and Batista - what would it be?
Goldust [staring into the camera]: Randy Orton and Batista...you don't know what it feels like to be on the edge of death...but when this is all over, said and done, you will never forget the name of - [inhales] - Goldust. [chomps]
The Rock [singing and playing his guitar]: ~Ever since the Rock came into town, everybody tried to bring him down, Canadians have no class, that's why they can kiss the People's ass.~
[suddenly the Hurricane appears before him. The Rock stops playing his guitar]
HThe Hurricane
Holy letdown! The Rock! You used to be an idol, an icon; loved by millions...and millions! And yet tonight, you come out, and you trash the people! What's up wit dat?
[The Rock removes his shades, looks the Hurricane up and down, clears his throat and sets his guitar aside]
Who...in the green hell, are you? Oh, no you-no-no-no, don't answer that, [standing up] the Rock knows who you are! Oh yeah, the Rock knows exactly who you are! The green shirt, 'H' on your chest, green mask...why, you're the Hamburglar! Yeah, you're that cat that works for McDonald's! Go get me a cheeseburger, go get the Rock a cheeseburger, no ketchup! Ah-ah-ah, as a matter of fact, no-no, don't go nowhere! The Rock knows exactly who you are, yeah! Yeah, you're the resident superhero, the Hurricane! The Rock knows who you are, my man, yeah; don't you ever bust in the Rock's door like that again, you hear? Hey, but what's more importantly than that, let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'. You understand that? Every superhero can whip that ass, every single one of 'em! EVERY single one of 'em! Superman, Batman, Aquaman, oh yeah, Aquaman, that dude that talks to the fish, he'll whip that little candy ass, [snapping his fingers] just like that!
HThe Hurricane
Well, I know one superhero who I can definitely beat!
The Rock [grinning, to himself]: This is a joke. [to the Hurricane] Who?
HThe Hurricane
The Scorpion King!
Oh, no you-! You, no-no-no - there is no WAY you can beat the Scorpion King, you don't-!
HThe Hurricane
Brendan Fraser beat the Scorpion King!
Brenda-da-da-da, he did not, that was a special effect for the movie, for crying - the Scorpion King is the most powerful-
The Hurricane [interrupting]: Let me ask you one question, Rock, just one more: can the Rock...fly?
...you've been smokin' them funny cigarettes? The Rock gonna fly and whip that candy ass, the Rock-
HThe Hurricane
Well, good! Because tonight, the Hurricane is gonna send your candy ass flying over the top rope in that battle royal! ["flies" out of the room]
...it was a special effect for the movie!
Glad you're happy about it. Folks, I'll tell you what, as long as I live, as long as I live, I'll never ver - gonna forget March 31, 2003 because, although Eric Bischoff has done the worst thing that any human being, he has, he has robbed Austin of his dreams, of his livelihood. And let me say this. And understand what I'm telling you. And I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch.
That's exactly what he is! And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he's a no good bastard for what he did, for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him, and this is what he's done! And he oughta burn in hell for it!
[Christopher Nowinski and Scott Steiner are participating in a debate over the invasion of Iraq with Jerry Lawler moderating]
Well ladies and gentlemen, we are ready for the great debate. You've heard of great debates in the past. There was the Lincoln-Douglas debate. There was the Kennedy-Nixon debate, but tonight, we have the Steiner-Nowinski debate. Now let me explain something here. Tonight's topic is Operation Iraqi Freedom. And in this date, in this debate, Scott Steiner will argue in favor of the operation and Chris Nowinski will argue against it. Let me explain, gentlemen, the rules. Each participant will be given their opportunity to make their case and if either one of you interrupts, they will be disqualified. Understand? Christopher Nowinski, you're up first.
CNChristopher Nowinski
Thank you. Well first I'd like to thank my esteemed colleague for being willing to take part in this gentlemanly debate. But I brought my mask just in case. Now I would like to reiterate and expound the statements I made last week, with the contention that America is using its vast military superiority in order to bully smaller nations. [crowd boos] And I ask you, where does it end? Do we invade and overthrow every government that doesn't seem to share the worldview of our country's administration? [crowd cheers] Yeah, do we go invade Syria now? Or North Korea? Or do we only invade countries that have oil? Let's face it. This war is unnecessary and ludicrous! [crowd boos] Hey, while you may not like what I have to say, as an American, not only am I guaranteed that right to speak my mind by the Constitution, but it is my patriotic duty to do so.
That's a pretty powerful point of view. Scott Steiner, your rebuttal.
SSScott Steiner
You see, throughout my career, I've wrestled in a lot of countries, but without a shadow of a doubt, the United States of America is the greatest country of them all. [crowd cheers] See, we have fought to make this the land of the free and the home of the brave, and one of those freedoms is freedom of speech. The right to state your opinion, but as the saying goes, opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. [crowd cheers] Even a master debater like yourself. See we as a country, we didn't start this thing. Terrorists started this. Terrorism started this when they hijacked planes, flew them into buildings on 9/11. Terrorism started this, and Iraq has been known to harbor, finance, support, and even train terrorism. They started it. Terrorism started it, not us. Terrorism drew first blood on 9/11, and you can bet your sweet ass, we're gonna get even and we're gonna finish it. [crowd cheers] But the bottom line is, there are thousands of Americans, men and women, who are fighting for our freedom, making the ultimate sacrifice. They're the real heroes, and I support them. So you, the Dixie Chicks, all those Hollywood numbnuts, [crowd cheers] that don't support our troops can go straight to hell! [crowd cheers] Or France, same difference. Just don't let the, the door hit you in the ass on the way out because we ain't gonna miss ya! [crowd cheers]
NNowinski
Well, I've tried to tell ya, give ya a fair warning that your views are wrong. But apparently, the only kind of view that you understand, the only warning you understand is one that takes about...three minutes.
[After Kane sets Jim Ross on fire]
Eric Bischoff [walking out into the arena]: Damn you, Steve Austin! Damn you anyway! How do you feel now? Are you proud of yourself now, Austin? How did that make you feel?! That wasn't Kane who put the match to Jim Ross! That wasn't Kane who poured gasoline on him! That wasn't Kane who set Jim Ross on fire, dammit! It was YOU! This is YOUR fault! Yours and yours alone! And I've got news for you; I got a call from Linda McMahon! Next week, in Los Angeles, in the ring you're standing in right now, she is going to fire your ass! Fire you! Damn you to hell anyway, Steve Austin! Damn, you, straight, to, hell!!! You rotten bastard!
Cut that music! Now Eric Bischoff may have made the main event at SummerSlam Triple H versus Goldberg no disqualification for the World title. Now I can't change that match, but, I can damn sure add to it.
AAustin
So this year, at SummerSlam, your main event will be Triple H versus Goldberg, [crowd chants "What?"] no disqualification, World title, but, also in the same match, will be Chris Jericho...
AAustin
Randy Orton, and Shawn Michaels.
AAustin
Because, the main event, the World title, will be defended, at SummerSlam, in an Elimination Chamber!
Oh my gosh, Elimination Chamber match?!
