Austin quotes from WWE Raw

Austin

You've got to remember, Vince, it wasn't Stone Cold that screwed Vince McMahon, it was Vince McMahon that screwed Vince McMahon. [notices pants] I think you've got a problem there. Looks like we've got another shirt out on the way. That shirt might just say, "McMahon 3:16 says, 'I just pissed my pants.'"

Jim Ross

This could be damning.

Vince McMahon

I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians.

Steve Austin

Get your ass up, you long-haired freak!

He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind.

There ain’t no way one chair can keep your ass down, get in the ring! [Mankind crawls into the ring] You come out here every week, saying “Pick me, Steve! Pick me, Steve!”. I’ll lay it on the line for you, you piece of trash: I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team.

Jerry Lawler

Whoa!

Ross

Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit.

Lawler

Finally Mankind gets what he wants!

Ross

All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted.

Lawler

He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug!

I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - [suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner] - oh!

Ross

No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him!

DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! [drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]

My! Can’t believe that!

Ross

Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number!

Thank you, no. This capacity crowd-

So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. [Austin leaves] And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, you will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! [whimpers]

[to Mr. McMahon] It looks just fine to me. [to a doctor] How about you, doctor?

Steve Austin

[disguising as a doctor] I'll take it from here, nurse.

Vince McMahon

NO!

Get him off me! Get him off me!!

[mumbles as he strips off Vince's shirt] How about your foot? [attacks Vince McMahon's injured ankle, on a cast at the foot of the bed. McMahon shrieks in pain] What do you think about that?

Calling Dr. Austin--Get up, you piece of trash. Get up, you piece of sh- [manhandles Vince back to bed] Calling Dr Austin we got a emergency!

No, NOO!!

[sets up defibrillator] Everybody clear [shocks Vince and stoomps on him on the floor]

[as Austin bends him over the bed and he gets an enema-like device connected to an IV drip] No! No please no!! No, help me, please!

I've always known you were full of shit, Vince. You just bow down. This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me! [kayfabe jams device up Vince's butt. Vince screams loudly] You piece of trash!

Stone Cold, I told you there was no chance in hell of you winning the Royal Rumble!

Jerry "The King" Lawler

I love to hear him say that. That is so great— Say it again!

And quite frankly, Austin... as far as I'm concerned, you will never, ever again step into the ring with the WWF Champion, much less myself, because you know what, Stone Cold? You've simply run out of chances, Austin.

Lawler

Good.

Stone Cold Steve Austin

Hey, jackass, look over the big screen! I'm up here!

Michael Cole

Hey!

Lawler

What?

[surprised] Wha—What are you—What are you?

[on-screen live via satellite] (Don't) look at me in your side, look at me, you sorry son of a bitch!

You're— you're up where? Where are you?

I'm in Texas.

Oh, okay. You're in Texas, I'm in Arizona. That makes sense to me, because I'm sure that you've been humiliated! I'm sure you can't even come out of your house! I'm sure people are coming up to you and saying, "Hey, aren't you the guy— Aren't you the guy that Vince McMahon threw over the top rope?"

Lawler

Ha-hah! Yes!

Cole

[deadpan] I doubt it.

[grins] Yeah, I think that sounds all— That sounds fine, Vince, but uh, I'll tell you this...I'm going to WrestleMania.

Cole

What? Well— I-I guess, as a fan—

Uh...wha— You mean— You mean you're gonna buy a ticket to go to WrestleMania?

No, you dumb son of a bitch, I'm telling you I'm going to WrestleMania to face the champion!

Lawler

[confused] What?

Uh...no— Well, you must be, chewing on some locoweed or something down there in Texas...

Lawler

Yeah. [The Rock mocking the gesture based on McMahon's claim]

...I-I have no idea— I mean...what— What are you saying?

Eh, I don't know what you're talking about all this locoweed— all your little crap you're talking about. I'm telling you right now in English: Read my lips if you got a hard time hearing what I'm saying! I'm going to WrestleMania to wrestle the champion! I'm telling you that, but not just me telling you that! [gestures off-screen] The guy right beside me is telling you the same damn thing! [Commissioner Shawn Michaels appears on camera next to Austin]

Lawler

[shocked] What? What!?

Cole

[overlapping Lawler] It's the Commissioner! Commissioner Shawn Michaels is with Austin!

Stone Cold Steve Austin

Whoa whoa whoa, stop it right there. Stop it right there. Classy Freddie Blassie got something he wants to say.

D-Von, get the table!

You heard the man. D-Von get the table!!! [Dudleys prepare the table for Rico]

Stone Cold Steve Austin

Cut that music! Now Eric Bischoff may have made the main event at SummerSlam Triple H versus Goldberg no disqualification for the World title. Now I can't change that match, but, I can damn sure add to it.

Jerry Lawler

Uh-oh.

So this year, at SummerSlam, your main event will be Triple H versus Goldberg, [crowd chants "What?"] no disqualification, World title, but, also in the same match, will be Chris Jericho...

Lawler

What?

Kevin Nash...

Lawler

What?!

Randy Orton, and Shawn Michaels.

Lawler

Wow!

Because, the main event, the World title, will be defended, at SummerSlam, in an Elimination Chamber!

Lawler

Oh my gosh, Elimination Chamber match?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin

It turns out Eric Bischoff made a decision regarding the World title at WrestleMania, but I guess, uh, he was too afraid to come out here and tell you to your face because maybe he might piss you off. But since I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I'll come out here and make the announcement myself. So for the first time in history, the World Heavyweight Championship will be decided at WrestleMania, Madison Square Garden, March 14, in a Triple Threat match.

Jerry Lawler

What?! What?!

Jim Ross

Oh my god!

Triple H versus Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!