Joe Hackett quotes from Wings

Brian

I couldn't have possibly done it, either, because I was dressing a pig in the coach's wife's lingerie at the time.

Joe

You were wearing lingerie or the pig was?

Brian

I was. What do you take me for, a pervert?

Brian

Joe! I am so glad you are back.

Joe

Glad to be appreciated. How did it go?

Brian

I am glad the day is over.

Joe

Well, you sound beat. Something happen?

Brian

Joe, you are not going to believe this but, the plane vanished from the hangar!

Joe

I know.

Brian

You know?!

Joe

Of course; the men from New Bedford took the plane up to inspect it for the 100-hour check. Didn't you know, it was all there under the yellow section of the binder, which had the day's planned events.

Helen

You care more about this stupid plane than you do about me!

Joe

Me? You are the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day!

Helen

Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction!

Joe

Yeah, well, at least when I am in the plane I get some sense of movement!

Brian

What is the deal with men crying these days?  Is it in or out?

Joe

Oh, let's see.  1960s was love and sex -- no reason to cry.

Brian

1970s was the sensitive male.  It was okay to cry.  1980s was--

Joe

Making money -- no crying.

Brian

And what is the 1990s?

Joe

No sex, no money, nothing to do but cry.

Joe

Let me get this straight Brian, you caused the fire? But the worst part of it, all this time you knew and said nothing when I was blaming myself or thinking it was faulty wiring or some accident.

Brian

Well, Joe, it was hard to say.

Joe

You know Brian, this is not the first time you have pulled a stunt like this. When you ran off with my first fiancee Carol, I was angry, until Dad's death convinced me not to bear a grudge. It has been like this for years, you get in over your head doing something stupid, I get mad, I calm down, I forgive you, then I am the one stuck cleaning up the mess you made! Now that I am married I have to say no more. You burned down the house; what if that happened when you were babysitting the children Helen and I plan to have? Well, that is a risk I cannot take. I want you out.

Brian

You're right, I should get lost for a bit.

Joe

Not just that Brian. I want you out of my life.

Brian

Out of your life?!

Joe

I will buy you out of the landholding mortgage and I will buy you out of Sandpiper. After that, I go my way and you go yours.

TO BE CONTINUED

Brian

Joe, look what I found.

Joe

Dad's briefcase, so?

Brian

It was undamaged by the fire! And look at this, the picture Dad left for us! Know what this means?

Joe

Yeah, it means the nut house knew exactly what they were doing when they captured Dad by luring him into their van by waving a Chunky in front of him.

Brian

But Joe, the picture. Don't you know what it says?

Joe

Yeah, "You are rich". Why are you telling me this Brian? Did you expect to show me this and I would lighten up and say "Oh, you're right, all is forgiven"?

Brian

Are you really that serious about wanting me gone?

Sir, if I could ask you to leave, I have confidential business to discuss.

Brian

Excuse me pal, but this happens to be my office, and who are you?

Oh, this must be the second party.

Brian

Second party?

I have been retained to oversee that the partnership of Sandpiper Air be dissolved. Here is my card.

Sorry, that's my other business. Here is the right card.

Joe

Mr. Skoog comes highly recommended. I want to make sure this is done nice and legal.

Brian

You are dead serious about getting rid of me; I can't believe it!

Joe

I do not understand how he just does not get it!

You look a little down. Tell you what, I own a pub crosstown. Give this coupon to the bartender. He will give you a free pitcher of Skoogeritas.

Joe

Who said that?

Joe

Dad?

The one and only!

Joe

You are dead. You are not real, you are a figment of my stressed-out brain. I am going to close my eyes and you will be gone.

Boo! A boogie woogie oogie! You always fell for that one, Joe!

Joe

AUGH!

Joe

Why are you here, Dad?

I am not here to haunt you, I promise. I am just here to tell you I am proud of you. You had every chance to take the easy way out; you know, be like one of those wimps in group therapy. "Hello, my name is Joe and I had a crap childhood. Wah, wah, wah!"

Joe

No Dad, I could not afford to get in touch with my inner child. Not with you going gonzo.

Well excuse me Joe. I wish you all the best with Helen. God forbid anything happen with Helen and you that what happened between your mother and I. I remember it like an ordinary day, where she told me "OK Don, the boys' dinner is in the fridge for tonight, the bed is made, I am moving to Phoenix and you are not!"

Joe

Granted, I hated Mom walking out on us too, but that was still no excuse for me to have to then take care of Brian and then you in getting calls from the sheriff such as "Joe Hackett, can you come pick up your father at the station? My men arrested him for participating in the American Legion Ladies' Auxiliary chili cook-off stark naked!"

I still don't see why that was a reason for the Ladies' Auxiliary to disqualify me from the contest!

Joe

Dad, I know why you are here. You are going to tell me Brian is repentant for burning down the house.

When did I say that? I agree you should throw Brian out.

Joe

What?!

Brian has had enough chances in life. He frittered away opportunities most of us never get, such as at NASA. When you planned to marry Carol, he ran off with her, and then it was a rivalry between you and him for Helen. It is time for him to grow up and he needs to do so the hard knocks way. But you do have to admit, he has a sense of surprise. Like that one Christmas where we got you the bicycle. Remember in those days they sold them unassembled and Brian thought it would be neat to surprise you with it assembled by him?

Joe

Right, and he actually did a pretty good job at it, just forgetting an eensy-weensy detail. Then Brian decided to goad me into testing out the bike atop the Seven Hills. That was when I learned the small part Brian forgot was the brakes! Thank goodness I collided with that snowman at the bottom of the Seven Hills.

That was no snowman. That was the Mather kid in a white parka eating a carrot.

Anyway Joe, take my advice and cut your losses now. Get on with your life with Helen and tell Brian to hit the highway. You will not be haunted by regret, nor will you ever miss him. After all, you do not miss your mother and you do not miss me.

Joe

Dad, I do miss you!

Well, you never gave any sign of that when I was still alive.

Joe

You are right, I did not. I should have been there when you were on your deathbed or something akin to that when you were terminal.

Too bad, because now the only thing you can do is...miss me.

Brian

OK Joe, that is the last of my boxes. At this point all I can tell you is have a nice life. So long.

Joe

Brian, wait!

Yes Joe, what is it?

Joe

Do not go.

Helen

I had my first kiss on Kingsbury Point.

Joe

I lost my virginity on Kingsbury Point.

Brian

I lost my virginity on Kingsbury's couch. His niece was my prom date - a great prom date!

Brian

Think we partied too much Joe in Miami?

Joe

Ugh, don't remind me.

Brian

Let's open the casket.

Joe

Brian, no.

Brian

Come on Joe! Brian opens casket, then his expression stops being a jocose one Uh, Joe, you really need to see this.

Joe

I am not in the mood.

Brian

No more joke, I am serious that you need to see this.

Brian

Only two things can explain this. One, Harrison Kingsbury was a woman. Two, we signed for the wrong body.

Brian

Eleanor Kingsbury will understand. After all, the Kingsburies are people like us.

Fay

No, they are people who squash people like us! Do you not remember what happened to Siasconset Air?

Brian

Who was Siasconset Air?

Joe

They were the guys who had the counter before us.

So what happened?

Fay

Eleanor Kingsbury took a flight on Siasconset Air and they misplaced one of her bags.

Brian

And?

Joe

And...in the eleven minutes it took them to find it she had their mortgage called in and their credit line revoked. Before moving away, the owners were last seen making slushees at the Stop & Shop.

Brian

If she did that to Siasconset Air for losing her luggage, imagine what she will do to us once she finds out we lost her daddy!

Lowell

I am working on the plane, Joe.

Brian

You are not going into the Witness Protection Program?

Lowell

Yes, I am. They said I leave at 1300 hours. If there are 24 hours in a day that will be two months from now. By then you will be sick of me!

Joe

Uh, Lowell, were you in the military?

Lowell

No.

Mr. Mather, we need you to come with us.

Joe

They used military time. That means 1 in the afternoon.