TV show quotes
Hello, Arnold. Haven't you noticed you're wearing a green plastic bag?
I'm disguised as a green bean.
[in deep voice] Ho, ho, ho...and how are things in the valley, Little Sprout?
[in high-pitched voice] Fine and dandy, Jolly Green Giant! How's your niblets?
[to Kotter about the Sweathogs] They're not students, they're inmates! And you are the head cuckoo!
You're the leader of the Sweathogs, right?
Am I the leader of the Sweathogs? Is a bear Catholic? Does the Pope live in the woods?
Epstein, what are the advantages of the two-party system?
Oh, that's an easy one. In the two-party system, you get to go to two kinds of parties... two kinds of dancin', two kinds of chip dip, and two kinds of hopin' you'll, uh, make out.
A woman is a sometime thing.
She'll take your heart and give it a fling.
But when true love runs off its course...
Then she'll sue you for divorce.
All right, Epstein, come on. Let's have it so we can get to work.
What?
One of your famous notes that'll read something like, 'Please excuse Juan for being late. He was kidnapped by the jet set and left tied up on a lawn in Hyannis Port.' Signed...
Epstein's mother!
Mr. Epstein just doesn't have the numbers! I have no other answer for him!
Yeah? Well, I have an answer for you, lady--up your nose with your computer hose! And twice as far with a chocolate bar!
What would have happened if George Washington quit, huh? If Abraham Lincoln quit? What would have happened if Murray Cornfeld quit?
I ain't never heard of no Murray Cornfeld!
You know why you never heard of him? 'Cause he quit!
[about Kotter and the Sweathogs] They do a lot of pretending in that class. They pretend to be students; he pretends to be a teacher.
Hey, I got an idea, listen to this. ISB.
ISB?
In-School Betting. Yeah. It's about time we get bettin' off the streets, into the school here, where it belongs! [Sweathogs cheer]
Are you kiddin'? I'll lay you 5-2 that'll never happen.
I'll take that bet.
Julie, baby, did I ever tell you about my uncle Ben?
No. Did he make rice?
An integer is a counting number. If the sequence is 1,2; 2,3; 3,4; etc., the integer is apparent.
It's apparent to who?
So find the value of 'X'?
'X'? I don't know.
Right! 'X' is unknown! So what's 'Y'?
'Y'?
Where?
[Epstein and Freddie bring the blackboard from the class into the Kotters' apartment]
You guys can't do things like this. It's against the law. It's robbery! It's five to ten!
[holding an alarm clock] Nah, its ten to ten.
Hey, besides, we tend to think of it as... creative borrowing.
You know, Mr. Kotter, prayer is good for you.
Oh, I know that, Vinnie, I know. I prayed all morning, the whole time I was on the subway comin' to work. I prayed that we'd get to my stop before the two guys who were kickin' the conductor noticed me.
[to Vinnie] You got as much chance being a priest as I do gettin' the lead in the school production of Snow White.
Yeah, and Freddie was the best one who read for the part. But, me and Horshack, see, we're still up for dwarfs.
Yeah. Guess who's gonna play Dopey?
If I was casting, I'd have a rough time choosing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Welcome Back, Kotter pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
