Julie Kotter quotes from Welcome Back, Kotter

Kotter

Newspapers mold people's minds.

Horshack

Who wants to make a moldy mind?

Woodman

Uh, four hundred and fifty, uh, Captain Chicken.

Kotter

It can't be. It sounds like him, but it couldn't be. [turns and sees Woodman] It is.

Woodman

Kotter! What are you doing here, and in that costume?

Kotter

Well, my dog suit was in the cleaners. What was that number you guessed?

Woodman

Four hundred and fifty. Do I get a free dinner?

Kotter

No, I'm sorry. You're a few bones shy.

Kotter

If your contractions start, you time them.

Julie

Uh-huh.

Kotter

When they're four minutes apart, you call me.

Julie

Uh-huh.

Kotter

If your water breaks, don't touch the toaster.

Woodman

I'm breaking up the Sweathogs. It's like breaking up the old Yankees. You thought you had me, didn't you? Two outs, bottom of the ninth, but old Woodman hit a home run, and I win! I win, Kotter!

Kotter

How long have you been without your medication, Mr. Woodman?

Horshack

We are all here to witness a miracle, the miracle of birth. And Mr. Kotter, miracles cannot be rushed.

Kotter

Look, Arnold, I am... Arnold, what you just said, that was beautiful. It made a lot of sense.

Horshack

Of course! Births cannot be rushed. For example, first, the stork has to be notified.

Kotter

Where's my wife?

Well, she's in the labor room.

Horshack

Labor room? They're making her work at a time like this?

Julie

What are we going to name the babies?

Kotter

Well, what's wrong with 'this one' and 'that one?'

Julie

Too common.

Kotter

Epstein, what's that satchel for?

Epstein

It's for the money. What am I gonna do, stuff 250 G's in my pocket?

Freddie

Hey, Juan, um, they gonna give us a check.

Epstein

Oh, no, I don't take checks. Checks bounce.

Kotter

Well, this one's gonna be from New York State.

Epstein

Especially those!

Kotter

How come I always get the wet one?

Julie

Oh, she's just showing off for Daddy.

Kotter

We gotta break her of this habit before she starts dating.

Kotter

[about Horshack] He has joined the cult of Baba Bebe.

Woodman

Baba Bebe? You mean the one who brainwashes young people?

Woodman

My kind of guy! [laughs]

Epstein

How'd you figure it was Cavelli, pop?

Kotter

Ah, good question, number one son. Old Chinese proverb: Man who try to pull wool over eyes wind up with sheep on face.

Julie

Good night, Arnold. [kisses Horshack]

Horshack

Good night...Julie.

Julie

Julie?

Horshack

Julie.

Aw!

Kotter

I have an announcement to make.

Epstein

Is this announcement gonna be good news?

Kotter

Yes and no.

Freddie

Oh, wow, man, you better give us the bad news first. [Woodman enters the classroom] Boy, that was fast!

Horshack

Hey, Mr. Kotter, are you glad to be back in school?

Kotter

Arnold, this is the second most painful day in a schoolteacher's life.

Horshack

What's the first?

Kotter

Payday.