Tara quotes from United States of Tara

Tara

Mom's going to do that thing where she holds up her arms open like she's a warm person.

Charmaine

Max, could you do me a favor and hot-glue gun her lips together?

Tara

He told me we have a brother.

Charmaine

A brother? Come on.

Tara

Yes. He said it in a totally disjointed, early Alzheimer's dad-like way, but he said you and your sister have a half-brother and I was married before I met your mom.

Charmaine

Well, let's see. Dad thinks Bob Hope is still alive.

Max

Please tell me you're looking at porn.

Tara

Well, if porn is a disastrous baby shower, then... yeah. Big-Tim.

Tara

Flighty 19-year-old in Japan. We are either terrible parents or... visionary parents. I don't know.

Max

Mm, little of both.

Tara

[as Alice:Noticing the freeze frame of her son's dead body in the short film on the TV] Oh My goodness. What's that on the TV?

Doesn't have a title yet. Right now we're calling it *Human Remains of the Day*

Charmaine

Well, last I checked, your partner didn't take a job out of state and leave you home with a wailing infant.

Charmaine

oh, shit. (Storms out)

Tara

Oh, how's your film going?

Marshall

In my head, it's unique, nuanced, but when it comes out, it's like... A frog doing somersaults on a field, and you can't see the frog 'cause he's too green and you can't hear him cause the grass is too soft.

Tara

How goes it in there?

Max

Like exhuming a corpse. Amps are buzzing, my song's terrible, Ted won't quit messing around. (Ted is heard screaming in the other room) I just put myself on suicide watch.