Tracey Takes On... Season 1 quotes

You know, I matured at a very early age. By the time I was ten years ago I had hair in all four locations and bazongas like two torpedoes.

What the hell is this nat's piss?!

It's Hope-uccino! Would you like me to froth the soy milk a little more?

Show me your tits!

My husband Harry and I have to watch our diet We have peptic ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, hiatal heritals, spastic colon, and colitis. Between us, we have enough gas to keep the Olympic torch lit until the year 3000. Oh, but this is fabulous. [Takes another bite of food] Boy, am I gonna pay for this one the way home. Thank god the Chrysler has a moon roof.

Every time I'm in the ladies room, I think about food. Maybe it's because I spent so much of time throwing up in places just like this. For those of you who've read my book I'm Still Here, you'll know all about my bout with bulimia. It's all in chapter seven. Including how I found the answer to staying thin without throwing up. Unfortunately the answer was speed and cocaine, which you can read about in chapter eight.

Whenever Harry and I hear that a crime has been committed, the first thing that comes to mind is, is it gonna hurt the Jews?

You don't know Tori Spelling, do you?

No. But I do know her father, Aaron. I went to ice hockey match in his house once.

Ma'am, Monsterplex is a family chain of neighborhood movie theaters. We do not allow cigarettes or liquor into any of our auditoriums. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

You're showing the devil with a bunch of buck naked teachers on a merry-go-round, and I can't have a cocktail and a smoke?! Someone tell me I'm asleep and I'm just dreaming I'm on the planet of the assholes! Just give me my money and I'll too-da-loo outta here.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but your money has already been entered into our computers but we can issue you a coupon good for readmission.

[Incredulous] Readmission? I'd rather be readmitted to Sing Sing.

No, Mr. Ben-Svi, there's been a terrible accident. As my husband Harry was backing up the car, in our distraught state we didn't see Eydie crossing behind us. Harry got all farmisht and he mistook the accelerator for the brake and we accidentally ran over her! [Beat] Several times.

This one is Little Loopy Linda, and she represents my alcoholic period. As you can see, her eyes are slightly crossed and there are little hand-painted flecks of vomit on cheek, chin, and running down the dress.

You know, Linda, I wish the folks at home could see exactly how carefully crafted with careful craftsmanship these dolls are crafted.

I'm an octoroon, one-eighth black.

That's a little hard to believe but it may explain the size of those lips.

Oh, no. These are collagen, James. But I've only replaced what time has depleted.

[Rapping] You wanna go swimmin' then go see the fishes, you want Jewish snack food then eat some knishes.

I didn't tell anyone, cause they think I was daft, you know? But I know what I saw! Then again I was doing a lot of ecstasy in those days.

Harry, what would I do without you? I hope I die first.

I hope you do too, honey.

[Touched] Oh.

I'm glad there's such a thing as politicians, they give us lawyers someone to look down on.