Fern quotes from Tracey Takes On...

Oh god, why do they send me a kid? Get me Dr. Goldstein. Get me any Jew!

I said to my daughter Sheila, I said, "Sheila, darling, I will never pressure you into have children," because I had children and it ruined my life. Oy.

My husband Harry and I have to watch our diet We have peptic ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, hiatal heritals, spastic colon, and colitis. Between us, we have enough gas to keep the Olympic torch lit until the year 3000. Oh, but this is fabulous. [Takes another bite of food] Boy, am I gonna pay for this one the way home. Thank god the Chrysler has a moon roof.

Whenever Harry and I hear that a crime has been committed, the first thing that comes to mind is, is it gonna hurt the Jews?

No, Mr. Ben-Svi, there's been a terrible accident. As my husband Harry was backing up the car, in our distraught state we didn't see Eydie crossing behind us. Harry got all farmisht and he mistook the accelerator for the brake and we accidentally ran over her! [Beat] Several times.

These are Harry's footprints. He has hammertoes.

Culture? You know what I like cultured? My pearls. My parents bought me my first strand from my Uncle Ben, the jeweler and mohel side of the family. They're known for their delicate hands. Anyway, my mother went crazy when she saw an identical strand, same length, same millimeter, in the discount jeweler. She then accused her only brother of pearl gouging. This caused a chasm in family so wide you would think we were Arabs. And the rift wasn't healed until my Uncle Ben circumcised my grandson Ryan's penis for free. He did a beautiful job! It's to die for!

No offense Mr. Andre, but the last time anyone aside from Mr. Jake did my hair, it ended up looking so orange that I looked like Lucy, and I'm not talking about the I Love Lucy Lucy, I'm talking about the old tired Lucy.

Fern!

Yes, Bella, darling!

The Marlboro Man just arrived.

Oh, wonderful he made it. Where is he?

He's in his dressing room.

Terrific.

Tell me, is he the original Marlboro Man?

No, Bella, darling, the original Marlboro Man died of lung cancer. This is the Marlboro Lights Man.

In other words, you guys were watching when Fern and I go in the toilet.

Oh my god! I feel defiled!

Harry.

What?

I want you to be honest with me. Are you full of rage?

What are you talking about?

I found out that your so-called back problem is really unexpressed rage.

Who told you that, Fern?

I read.

You do not.

Okay. That big dark haired woman that ate all the cake. What's her name? Jabba the Hutt?

Harry, what would I do without you? I hope I die first.

I hope you do too, honey.

[Touched] Oh.

You listen to me, that man fondled you! He fondled you!

My insurance pays for it!

Ferny, isle four, top shelf.

The ass section?

Exactly.

[Licking her fingers] Mmm, the cherry cheese, mmm like having an orgasm!

Who remembers?