Tracey Takes On... Season 1 quotes

You know there are three little words that everybody can understand -- do you know what those three little words are?

"Fuck you, bitch."

I was thinking more of, "I love you."

All the time I'm hearing about the same-sex marriages. Should it be legal? Shouldn't it be legal? Who the fuck cares? What difference does it make? Gay or straight? When you get married, you have the same sex for the rest of your life! It's not natural, my friend.

Oh, look at that, Duke, Hogan's Heroes is on. That's a cute show, yeah, They took it off the air for awhile when that Bob Crane got a little too enthusiastic about his S&M hobby and ended up dead in a motel in the desert. Yeah, it doesn't surprise me at all though, there was always something peculiar about him. You never saw anyone so damn pleased to be living in a concentration camp.

Hey, I remember you. When I first come to this country, and I learn the alphabet, I always think of your tit to remember the L.

[Chuckles] Thank you. Glad to be a help.

You see that house pink house up there on the hill there, Huell?

Yeah.

That was Joan Crawford's house.

Joan Crawford? Now when did she live there?

Uh, somewhere between Franchot Tone and that Pepsi guy.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, she wouldn't get out bed without makeup. So I used to have to sleep over and I draw her eyebrows in five minutes before the alarm went off.

Now did you ever meet her daughter, Christina?

Oh, yeah, that little troublemaker. Yeah, she came in one morning with that sidekick brother of her's trailing their restraints, and they says to me, "Oh," they says, "Ruby, ya gotta help us! Mommy's strapping us to the bed and giving us enemas!"

That's terrible. What did you do?

I examined my conscience, and I went on the side of the person who signed my paychecks. The Academy Award winning, Miss Joan Crawford! Thank you.

I need something on a fairly regular basis, and if you could provide it there could be some sort of commission involved.

Oh, yeah?

It's grass, you see?

I don't do yard work anymore. My back, it's messed up.

No, um, it's weed, pot, hemp, Mary Jane.

Woah, Kay. You're not on that stuff, huh?

Oh, no, no, no, no! It's not for me, it's for mother!

Oh, you're mother. [Laughs] She's still alive?!

Yes, oh, yes, soldiering on.

Yeah, I remember when I met her, boy, I thought I walked into one of the pod people.

How do you like those lacerations, deary?

Very good.

And I should know, cause I got to the scene of the accident where Jayne Mansfield's head was still rolling along the side of that highway. Sad thing was I'd done her roots only three days prior. Can you believe her luck?

These are Harry's footprints. He has hammertoes.

As many as you know, I met my husband Mitch as a dwarf-tossing contest. There I was standing there waiting for my turn to throw. Somebody handed him to me, I looked down into his little eyes, a thrill went through me. I almost didn't want to throw him, you know? But I did. Thirty-two feet. I won an AM-FM clock radio that night, and the man of my dreams. [Tears up] Bloody hell. It was Mitch's privilege to die in the making of Mr. Steven Spielberg's monster hit The Lost World. He was playing a baby raptor. A part he wanted very much. And one day, during lunch, his electric jaws failed to open and he choked to death on a beef and bean burrito. [Wails] I have a telegram here from Steven himself which I'd like to share with you today. Dear Mrs. Gibson. Mitch was a small but vital part of our production. He was every inch the pro. No one ever bit Jeff Goldblum harder. He will be sincerely missed. Sincerely Steven. There's a PS here. This letter does not constitute an administration of legal responsibility. What a diamond of a bloke, eh?

[Touched] Oh.

[Wailing] Bloody hell. I'm losing it again. So let me introduced a great friend and a big star. Miss Linda Granger. Oh Christ.

Be strong Rayleen. Be strong. Isn't she wonderful? I can't understand a word she says, but she's wonderful. You know, I met Mitch when he played my son in a TV movie I made about infant aging syndrome. You may remember it, it was called, My Baby Has a Beard.

Who? I don't know any Linda Granger. I don't know any -- oh, wait, I think she's in AA with my mom.

We'll both have the duck salad without the duck.

People of all ages love doughnut. When you baby you love doughnut cause it like toy. You lick it, sticky, it fun. When you teenager you love doughnut, because you like sugar, you have a lot of energy, yeah. Then, when you twenty, you love doughnut cause it cheap. You buy twelve doughnut so you get one free. Yeah? And when you thirty you love doughnut because you're very busy, you're trying to make something of yourself. Yeah, no time to eat, so grab doughnut. When you're forty you eat doughnut, because you don’t won’t to eat at home. No, no, no, your wife, she mean, your children are ugly, so you come to doughnut shop forget terrible family. Yeah. When you fifty, you buy doughnut, you know they're bad for you, yeah. You try to kill yourself. Yeah! So you smoke, you drink cocktail, you eat doughnut, you loser! And when you're very old, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, you eat doughnut so you have something to put in your stomach so you can keep taking all the pills to keep you alive! Yeah, you went, "Hey, when I was baby, doughnut make me happy, maybe doughnut make me happy now!" Then you die! Then I serve doughnut at your funeral. Doughnut business good business to be in, huh?

I swear nothing happened. I never laid my finger on her.

I was never a religious person. My family didn't believe in that stuff. Probably because they were all going to hell.

Homo be gone!