Ruby quotes from Tracey Takes On...

Listen, deary, I was making motion pictures when Noah was still a sailor.

I got good use out of my beaver brush on that movie!

You know, I matured at a very early age. By the time I was ten years ago I had hair in all four locations and bazongas like two torpedoes.

Oh, look at that, Duke, Hogan's Heroes is on. That's a cute show, yeah, They took it off the air for awhile when that Bob Crane got a little too enthusiastic about his S&M hobby and ended up dead in a motel in the desert. Yeah, it doesn't surprise me at all though, there was always something peculiar about him. You never saw anyone so damn pleased to be living in a concentration camp.

I was never a religious person. My family didn't believe in that stuff. Probably because they were all going to hell.

Oh, you know I don't know if I could stand being knocked down a second time, Dean. I got osteoporosis. I could shatter a hip having sex with a frog!

Looking back, I was kind of flattered that a young buck like you got all charged up over an old broad like me. I mean you may be hairy with four legs but I've had worse, let me tell ya. I'm not mentioning any names, but his initials were Cornel Wilde.

Also, if I see a horse take a poop in the pen before a race I bet on him. That way he's bound to be lighter and springier. Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra himself taught me that.

Bulldinky, they interrupted the Barnaby Jones marathon for all this hooey? [Ruby clicks through random channels] Oh, goddamnit, it's on every channel! And I ain't falling for this again. I learned my lesson back in '38 when Orson Welles pulled this same stunt with his War of the Worlds radio show. I was applying eyeliner to Miss Hedy LaMarr at the time for a cute little picture called Algiers. She's a pretty thing, part Gypsy. Anyhoo, when that show came on the radio, Hedy and I we ran outside and we dived under the makeup trailer and we lay there with our kissers in the dirt for six hours. Hedy was so mad when she found out it was a hoax, she put a Gypsy curse on Orson, which is why he got so fat.

Name?

Uh, Ruby Romaine, like the lettuce.

You know, this place is going in the toilet, you can't even get a decent douche pump here anymore.

Maybe that's because they found out that they're not good for you.

Oh, bulldinky. There's nothing like a squirt of Spring Rain to freshen up your forest, dear.

Ma'am, Monsterplex is a family chain of neighborhood movie theaters. We do not allow cigarettes or liquor into any of our auditoriums. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

You're showing the devil with a bunch of buck naked teachers on a merry-go-round, and I can't have a cocktail and a smoke?! Someone tell me I'm asleep and I'm just dreaming I'm on the planet of the assholes! Just give me my money and I'll too-da-loo outta here.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but your money has already been entered into our computers but we can issue you a coupon good for readmission.

[Incredulous] Readmission? I'd rather be readmitted to Sing Sing.

You see that house pink house up there on the hill there, Huell?

Yeah.

That was Joan Crawford's house.

Joan Crawford? Now when did she live there?

Uh, somewhere between Franchot Tone and that Pepsi guy.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, she wouldn't get out bed without makeup. So I used to have to sleep over and I draw her eyebrows in five minutes before the alarm went off.

Now did you ever meet her daughter, Christina?

Oh, yeah, that little troublemaker. Yeah, she came in one morning with that sidekick brother of her's trailing their restraints, and they says to me, "Oh," they says, "Ruby, ya gotta help us! Mommy's strapping us to the bed and giving us enemas!"

That's terrible. What did you do?

I examined my conscience, and I went on the side of the person who signed my paychecks. The Academy Award winning, Miss Joan Crawford! Thank you.

How do you like those lacerations, deary?

Very good.

And I should know, cause I got to the scene of the accident where Jayne Mansfield's head was still rolling along the side of that highway. Sad thing was I'd done her roots only three days prior. Can you believe her luck?

Shut up!

Okay, fella, take it easy. You shoot me, you're gonna be driving around with no driver. It's like that Herbie the Lovebug. That was a cute picture.