Linda quotes from Tracey Takes On...

Help, somebody! It's Linda Granger!

God grant me the serenity to accept members of the opposite to not accept the opposite sex's members; and the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm on a percentage of the drinks. I used to play the main room, Candy. The main room! Oh, god. Twenty years ago everyone knew me. I did three Jerry Lewis telethons. I knew all the players. Steve and Eydie. Rickles. Tony Newley. Paul Anka wrote "She's Having My Baby" for me. That was just a false alarm, of course. I was just late.

Every time I'm in the ladies room, I think about food. Maybe it's because I spent so much of time throwing up in places just like this. For those of you who've read my book I'm Still Here, you'll know all about my bout with bulimia. It's all in chapter seven. Including how I found the answer to staying thin without throwing up. Unfortunately the answer was speed and cocaine, which you can read about in chapter eight.

We'll both have the duck salad without the duck.

[Singing a parody of the song "It Was a Very Good Year"] When I was seventeen, I was really twenty-two.

What if I started drinking again?

No! No!

No?

Not that! You been there, you done that! Not even water!

You don't know Tori Spelling, do you?

No. But I do know her father, Aaron. I went to ice hockey match in his house once.

This one is Little Loopy Linda, and she represents my alcoholic period. As you can see, her eyes are slightly crossed and there are little hand-painted flecks of vomit on cheek, chin, and running down the dress.

You know, Linda, I wish the folks at home could see exactly how carefully crafted with careful craftsmanship these dolls are crafted.

I'm an octoroon, one-eighth black.

That's a little hard to believe but it may explain the size of those lips.

Oh, no. These are collagen, James. But I've only replaced what time has depleted.

You know there are three little words that everybody can understand -- do you know what those three little words are?

"Fuck you, bitch."

I was thinking more of, "I love you."

As many as you know, I met my husband Mitch as a dwarf-tossing contest. There I was standing there waiting for my turn to throw. Somebody handed him to me, I looked down into his little eyes, a thrill went through me. I almost didn't want to throw him, you know? But I did. Thirty-two feet. I won an AM-FM clock radio that night, and the man of my dreams. [Tears up] Bloody hell. It was Mitch's privilege to die in the making of Mr. Steven Spielberg's monster hit The Lost World. He was playing a baby raptor. A part he wanted very much. And one day, during lunch, his electric jaws failed to open and he choked to death on a beef and bean burrito. [Wails] I have a telegram here from Steven himself which I'd like to share with you today. Dear Mrs. Gibson. Mitch was a small but vital part of our production. He was every inch the pro. No one ever bit Jeff Goldblum harder. He will be sincerely missed. Sincerely Steven. There's a PS here. This letter does not constitute an administration of legal responsibility. What a diamond of a bloke, eh?

[Touched] Oh.

[Wailing] Bloody hell. I'm losing it again. So let me introduced a great friend and a big star. Miss Linda Granger. Oh Christ.

Be strong Rayleen. Be strong. Isn't she wonderful? I can't understand a word she says, but she's wonderful. You know, I met Mitch when he played my son in a TV movie I made about infant aging syndrome. You may remember it, it was called, My Baby Has a Beard.

Oh, Jack, what happened?

It's the usual story, you know? I got addicted to prescription painkillers after a surfing accident, found myself hanging at the ranch, drinking with my lackeys, chasing my wife around with an ax, and shot the neighbor's dog. Anyway, the studio calls up, they cancel my series, I tell them to go fuck themselves, and I haven't worked since.

If I had a nickle for every time I heard this story.

Hello, I'm Linda Granger, and I am one-hundred percent drug free. I've kicked Quaaludes, cocaine, the Big H, black beauties, pot, hash, white crosses, opium, peyote, glue --

This is only a fifteen second spot, Miss Granger. I don't think we have enough time for all of your abuses.

But each one of them is such an important part of my struggle. Um, okay, I got an idea. [Singing] I've kicked... Librium, and Eskatrol , Dexedrine, and Valium, Pemadam, and Percocets, Seconals, and Tuinals, cocaine, Quaaludes, opium, peyote, and hash!

That's great!

[Laughs] Oh, I forgot amyl nitrite.

So, what brings you to Abizi?

Well, I've been invited by the sultan. I'm to host a TV special.

Me too!

Oh! We must be co-hosting. You're not planning on wearing a silver pant suit are you?

Not in years.

[Relieved] That's a good thing.