Jeremy: We have had some problems with the Morris Marina Owners' Club--
Richard: Problems!? They've declared a fatwa on us!

Jeremy: Well of course, what we have proved there is that the Bugatti Veyron, which we know to be the fastest car in the world, is faster than another kind of car.

Jeremy: Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there. If you're a 17 year old boy and need car insurance, slice your penis off.
Richard: I would've done.
James: I did. [Richard and Jeremy laugh out loudly]
James: Yup. I nearly did.

Jeremy: Yes, and welcome to the final show in the series.. [Crowd shows disappointment and sighs] Sad.

Jeremy: You don't need a driving license to be a Lamborghini test driver. You just turn up for the interview, go, "I'm sorry, I'm drunk and mad but I'm called Velociraptor Clint Thrust." "Right, you start on Monday."

Richard: [on the Morris Marina that James is driving] I'll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, new, creative, hopeful or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done, thought of or driven to in that drab, dreary, entirely beige, wilfully awful pile of misery.
James: Oh come on its not that bad... it's well equipped. Course it isn't well equipped really - its got one dial. But its tastefully upholstered. Of course it isn't tastefully upholstered really - it's brown. But the seats are velour and look how nicely it's worn!

Richard: And now we must do the news, and starting off with Citroën, they've made a new C3, here it is, and... well, it's a Citroën, it looks like that, but the most important thing about it is, for this car, they've invented a new word.
Jeremy: Word?
Richard: They've actually, they've put it in their publicity material for it, and it's, it's "visiodrive". They confess they've made that up, it's a whole... new word! Visio... drive.
Jeremy: I'm sort of sympathetic.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: Because none of the words you would normally use to describe a Citroën would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like... "flimsy".

[About Morris Marina Owners' Club]
Richard: Last week a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming it.
Jeremy: Last time this happened the Morris Marina Owners' Club, which is like the provisional wing of the "Morris Men", is absolutely furious.
James: Actually, there's been a lot of activity on a Morris chatroom: "I'm going to send an e-mail to the BBC and I don't care if they don't read it."
Jeremy: Now, that's what they said last time, okay. This time - getting worse. They say they're gonna get physical. I'm quoting now, one of them says (and I'm not making this up): "If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, I will poo into my hand and throw it at him."
[Audience laughs]
Richard: [incredulous] What, they'll poo into their own hand?! That's a stupid way of getting someone! That's like an assassin lining up on the target and then shooting them through his own head! Bang!

[About the London to Edinburgh race]
Richard: When we left the action, Jeremy was in the lead just approaching Doncaster, I was in second place and, as you would expect, Captain Slow was bringing up the rear...
James: Steady.
Richard: ...Hoping to take me from behind.
James: Yeah alright.
Richard: And then press home his advantage and take Jeremy in the tunnel...
James: Stop saying things like that!

[After James has done a lap with a St Bernard dog in the car]
Jeremy: Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog.
Richard: Aww! It's making me sad just looking at him!
James: [indignantly] That's his normal face!
Jeremy: That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen, and it's your fault. If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at 'James May is a Bastard, BBC Top Gear, London'.

[after James overtakes Richard in the 1949 race, Richard calls Jeremy, who is several miles ahead]
Jeremy: Hammond, where are you?
Richard: Um, I'm about thirty miles south of Doncaster.
Jeremy: Oh, dear! We're in York.
Richard: What?!
Jeremy: Where's James?
Richard: He's just overtaken me, but his Jag is drinking fuel, so with a bit of luck, he'll stop for fuel before I do, and I can overtake him again.
Jeremy: Or he'll catch fire?
[Richard hears a tannoy announcement telling him to turn his mobile phone off]
Jeremy: What's that noise?
Richard: It's me being told off not to use a mobile phone by the man.
Jeremy: Go and tell him it's 1949.
Richard: Yes, so we can't have mobile phones.
[as the train starts to pull out of the station, it does a wheelspin]
Jeremy: Yes! That was wheelspin! On a 96-tonne train!
Richard: You're-- That is a steam train, isn't it? It's not got some nuclear device on board as well?
[the train is now on the move again]
Jeremy: [voiceover] No. What it had on board was a fresh crew. And that meant a fresh set of muscles.

[After Richard and James arrive at the school with their used cars]
Richard: [Narrating] And then, a geography teacher arrived.
[The "geography teacher" is, in fact, Jeremy, who is driving a beige Volvo 940 estate]
James: God above, I thought that was one of the teachers!
Richard: [Laughing as Jeremy gets out of his car] I'm sorry, I'm 17, "Happy birthday, son!" [Richard fakes crying for a moment]
Jeremy: [Completely serious] Perfect car for any 17-year-old.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: Why?
Richard: Yes!
Jeremy: My turbo!
Richard: It is a low-pressure turbo.
Jeremy: [To James] What have you got?
James: I've got a Golf.
Jeremy: Has it got a turbo?
James: No.
Richard: [Talking about his own car] They did do a turbo--
Jeremy: What is that?
Richard: That's a Hyundai S-coupé, and they did do a turbo.
James: Not on this one.
Richard: No, not on this particular one.
Jeremy: So you turn up, at the school, here's my turbo. There's another very important issue that we must address: The most precious thing in your life, your child, speaking as a parent, is sitting in that seat, yes?
Both: Yes.
Jeremy: [Indicating the hood] Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit!

[After showing the car sauna clip]
Jeremy: Gordon, if you're watching, and you're probably not, if you go to set these ridiculous, er, heatwave level alerts...what was it we got up to?
Both: Sixty-two.
Jeremy: [continuing his speech] ...Sixty-two degrees is your bottom.
Richard: Yeah, it gets a bit toasty...
Jeremy: A bit uncomfortable.
Richard: How about that?
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: Actually, Gordon, there's something else I've discovered in that test, if you're watching. And that is... I know when I'm too hot.
Jeremy: I don't need the Government to tell me to have a drink of water and put suncream on. Leave - us - alone!

[Also talking to insurance sales people]
Jeremy: But that's 15 times the price of the car! What you're saying is, I'm going to completely write-off the car 15 times a year.

[An irate Jeremy is trying to stop the windscreen wiper while in the studio.]
Richard: This is consumer advice as well, so...
Jeremy: [frustrated] SHUT UUUUUP!