[referring to a diesel version of the Fiesta]
Jeremy: I wouldn't bother with that particular model though because it'll almost certainly be shi-

[referring to Richard's comeback to the studio]
Jeremy: ...and here's something I never thought I'd be saying at one point, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Richard Hammond!

[Regarding Clarkson's review of the Hummer H2]
James: You're not seriously suggesting that this... revolting, plastic fronted piece of pig-iron is a serious alternative to something like an X5?
[...]
Jeremy: Size is important in these things. [beams]
Richard: That's a little harsh.

[regarding James being late]
Jeremy: He will have walked into a dealership - [imitating James' voice] "Hello!" - and they'll have shot him!
[Richard laughs]

[regarding James' Cadillac]
James: It isn't fast, b--
Richard: You don't say, it's not fast! Is it not mate? I took one look and thought, "ooo, it looks like a Lotus Exige!"

[regarding photos of the (rather extensive) damage to a Porsche Cayenne and the production vehicle Richard crashed it into]
Richard: Oh, come on now, most of that'll polish out! It was just a slight... shunt.
Jeremy: You set the airbags off in the Porsche, look!
Richard: Actually, that was a bit of a surprise, and a bit of a worthwhile test, because I always thought, you know, an airbag going off would be like resting your head in a big fluffy pillow.
Jeremy: Mmm?
Richard: It's not! It's like being hit in the face with a wrecking ball! You have a crash, "Oh no!" and then boomf!, urgh, it hurts! I didn't like it.

[regarding the Ferrari 612 Scaglietti]
Dover Dock Guard: Is this your vehicle?
Jeremy: D'ya know what? It isn't, no!

[revealing how much he paid for his Volvo]
Jeremy: ONE POUND! One pound! Yes! The Volvo! Losers! Losers!

[Richard and James are having lunch somewhere else]
James: [looking at the menu] Uhm, well I think this thing here is a sort of squid thing with some... weird paste.
Richard: [looking unhappy] Don't like squid.
James: Ok, well you can have crab with...
Richard: Don't like crab.
James: Razor clams!
Richard: Don't like clams.

[Richard and James are talking about the Rolls-Royce 101EX's ceiling, which has lots of little lights on that look like stars]
Jeremy: [from across the studio] That is DISGUSTING!
Richard: Oh, dear! I fear Jeremy may be heading this way with an opinion!
[on the 101EX's "bling" features, like the aforementioned pinlight headliner, the glass Spirit of Ecstasy, and the carbon fiber body details]

[Richard and James observe as Jeremy yet again stops to refuel his notoriously thirsty car at a service station in southern France]
Richard: How can he need more?
James: Have you noticed how his right bicep is now slightly bigger than his left one?
[Richard laughs]
James: ...have you also noticed that when he fills his car up, he stands like a teapot?
[Richard laughs harder and the camera reveals this to be true - Jeremy has his unoccupied hand on his hip, and his legs crossed]
[Jeremy wanders over]
Jeremy: James, I've run out of money.
James: Have you... what an interesting predicament.
Jeremy: [quietly] Please can I borrow some money.
Richard: I'm not-- we're not bailing you out!
James: You want me to pay for your petrol?
Jeremy: Yes!
James: Right, the nation is observing...
Jeremy: [wandering off] I haven't got any money...
James: ...while I fund your ridiculous petrol habit.

[Richard and then James arrive at the meeting point, a restaurant]
Richard: Well, I went to check ahead if it'd gotten any steeper. It did.
James: I know.
Richard: Where is he, do you reckon?
James: Dunno.
Richard: Do you think he's enjoying his first biking experience?
[Cut to Jeremy, who is riding through town in the dark]
Jeremy: [Very, very angry] I am the most miserable human being alive! Where's this restaurant?! Where is it?!

[Richard crashes his Bowler Nemesis]
Jeremy: [over radio] Hammond, if you don't get that thing started, [German accent] for uz, zee competition iz over!

[Richard drops his Porsche pipe]
Richard:I've spun off in me Porsche, look at that!
Jeremy: Mine won't start properly.
Richard: No, of course it won't. It's a Porsche, persevere.
[Jeremy puts the wrong end of his pipe in his mouth]
Richard: No, what are you doing, man! No! Other way round, you - ah!
Jeremy: It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.
Richard: [To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder? [Indicates May, who looks like he's enjoying a quiet day in the smoking room of a Victorian gentlemen's club.]
[...]
James: [Using his pipe to point at Hammond] I'll tell you something...
Richard: You see? He's pointing!
James: I haven't actually got anything to tell you, but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe, like pipe smokers. [Points with his pipe at Clarkson] And I'll tell you something else.
[Clarkson burns his tongue with his pipe]
Jeremy: Oh God!
[Richard, James and audience laugh]
Jeremy: That's not gone well!
[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]
Richard: Jeremy... hold on! Jeremy...
Jeremy: 'Cube we a winit. ["'Scuse me a minute" with burning tobacco in his mouth.]
[Clarkson gets up and goes off-camera to spit out the tobacco, amid audience hilarity, then returns to his seat giggling helplessly.]
Richard: Can I - can I just get quite clear, what you just did as a grown man was light a pipe and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.
[Clarkson is still cracking up and can't answer him.]
Richard: What're you like on Bonfire Night? You bloody idiot.

[Richard Hammond commenting on the VXR8 Bathurst
Richard: I'm sorry, if this car doesn't move you, that is your problem, not the car's. Just the fact!