TV show quotes
[Richard Hammond is talking to a number of radio stations near Middlesbrough about himself when he should've publicised the car art exhibition in the Mima gallery, Jeremy Clarkson is listening to this while driving the art car to the Mima gallery and is hysterical with anger]
I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!
[We switch back to Richard Hammond, he is currently talking about the game show Total Wipeout]
TOTAL WIPEOUT IS JUST IDIOTS FALLING OVER, TALK ABOUT OUR ART EXHIBITION!
[During half-time, the presenters have returned to change their football shirts after James May made a mistake by giving them Newcastle shirts as it was a Middlesbrough vs Nottingham match]
We apologise for that terrible mistake, we have an art exhibition at the Mima Gallery, we have Ferreris, Lamborghinis, Richard Hammond's Land Rover!
[The spectators cheer]
Oh and there's one more thing, Nottingham, you can't come!
[voice over] The away supporters responded with good grace...
[Richard Hammond was expecting items to be thrown at them, but was amused when the Nottingham supporters jokingly chant "You fat bastard!", directed by Jeremy Clarkson]
Right, red for the blood.
Erm... mate? What? It was supposed to be what's inside the car.
How'd you know if there isn't a horse's head in the boot? (Shows a painting of a beheaded horse's head on the boot)
Listed as the Top Gear: Bolivia Special
Have we just been abandoned here to die?
[Analysing each others' kit for the journey]
[pointing to James' utility belt] What's all this?
That is my belt of many things.
Are these all stuff for...
[interrupting] What is that?
Don't touch it. That is a dental healthcare kit.
What's this?
Don't touch it, just ask. That, is a shoe polishing kit.
What?!
It's a shoe polishing kit.
Well thank God for that. If we get hungry, we'll be able to eat his Kiwi boot polish.
Basically, what you've done is bought My First Explorer Kit.
[Jeremy inspects the rear of the belt] Don't touch it!
[Trying to pull James's Jimmy off the ramp...]
[voiceover] Having rescued a man from the ooze, the mighty Range Rover would now rescue the little Suzuki.
It's only an ounce to pull.
Please be gentle with this, Jeremy, and not a yob.
POWEEERRRRRRRR!!!
[voiceover] Finally, we were all off the ramp, and as a reward, the producers gave us a box of things to help us survive the perils that lay ahead.
[going through box] ...Some rubber tubing... Durex...
Condoms?!
Vaseline... Tampax... and er... Viagra.
I know we're going to be in the jungle a bit together but, that's a bit extreme.
What kind of party are they planning?
[During their first night travelling through the jungle...]
[voiceover] Darkness fell, but the temperature didn't.
[Cut to Jeremy in the Range Rover]
How can it be this hot at MIDNIGHT?! HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?!
[voiceover] Hammond had more to worry about than the heat.
[Cut to Richard in the Land Cruiser, bothered by the sounds of a large insect]
Aah! What the BLEEP's that?! Oh! [into walkie-talkie] There's something in here squeaking at me, I'll - I'll - ooh. [the noise continues] Oh. Ooh! What is that?! Agh, BLEEP, adadadadagh!! I can't stand that!! I can't stand that!! [throws open his door] I've gotta get out!!
[They've made camp and night has fallen]
[Showing a book about insects to Hammond, who has a phobia of them] This is a book about all the creatures that live in the rainforest that Mr Sting hasn't told us about. Would you like to hear about... the Brazilian wandering spider?
[Looking uncomfortable] Not really no.
Causes around five human fatalities a year. Lives on the forest floor.
[Hammond turns on a toy dinosaur shaped head torch, which quietly screeches a few times]
What is that?
Head torch. I'm looking for a, what was it called a wandering spi-?
Ooh, the botfly, now this is a marvellous thing. The botfly cannot sting a human directly, but captures smaller insects, lays its larvae upon them and then releases them. If the smaller host insect then bites the human, the botfly larvae are impregnated into the skin. The larvae then pupates inside the skin, at which point they eat their way out and fly away. The BBC Natural History Unit reports the case of a man, who was bitten behind the ear, and was kept awake at night by the sound of the botfly larvae eating the flesh inside his head.
[Cut to view of the moon]
[voiceover] Hammond didn't have a good night.
[Cut to outside Hammond's tent]
[From inside his tent] What's that? Aaagh! Ah! Stick insects! Something's honestly landed- there's things on my head - oh, what is that?! There's something that just flew in my hair and it's squeaking at me, it's big...!
[voiceover] ...and to be honest, he didn't have a great morning either.
WHO has done this? [cuts to Richard with one of his trouser legs missing]
[The morning after they have first set camp in the Amazon]
[voiceover] To get away from the creepy crawlies, I decided to seek refuge in my car.
[opens door] Ooooookay... [Then shuts it again] Guys..!
[A little later...]
Oh! There IS a snake in your car.
[Richard and Jeremy quickly panic...]
It's coming up here; it's coming up here! It's known locally as the "Big Vicious Killer Snake"!
Thanks.
[While driving through the rainforest, Richard is still wondering who stole his trouser leg]
[into walkie-talkie] Come on, who's got my trouser leg?
[In Jeremy's truck, Jeremy is wearing Richard's trouser leg as a headcloth]
[into walkie-talkie, with mock innocence] Has your trouser leg gone missing?
[on Richard driving into the back of his Suzuki]
That honestly wasn't very funny three series ago, and it really isn't funny now.
I'm not doing it on purpose. No, I haven't got any brakes. That's how I stop!
[After pulling out Jeremy's Range Rover from the gulley]
[voiceover] We realized we'd have to build a bridge... which made one of us very excited.
I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!
[to James] Has he got a chainsaw?
[Jeremy fires up the chainsaw]
OH YES!
[expressing annoyance] Oh God...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
