[on the Volkswagen Phaeton]
Jeremy: [voiceover] This is the first-ever recorded example of a German joke: a Volkswagen that costs £65,000.
[mimes wiping tears of mirth from his eyes while a sitcom laugh track plays, then becomes serious]
Jeremy: But actually... it isn't funny.

[on the Volvo S60 R, the test model of which has orange leather seats]
Jeremy: It's only when you really concentrate that you start to pick up the clues. The big alloy wheels. The blue engine cover. The seats, which seem to have been made out of David Dickinson.
[...]
Jeremy: It's very relaxing. I can just sit here listening to the excellent stereo and speculate on whether or not these seats aren't really David Dickinson at all. They might be an offcut of Dale Winton.

[on the way to hosting the radio programme, Jeremy and James had taken to bad-mouthing Richard's Cadillac BLS]
Richard: Just stop talking now.
[a brief silence...]
James: I don't like the clock.
Richard: Save it!

[on the Wiesmann MF3]
Jeremy: You see the body and you think it's going to be as advanced as mud - but honestly, it corners like a cylon interceptor.

[On their attempt to break Richard Branson's record for crossing the channel in an amphibious car]
Jeremy: Beardy, you're going down!

[on Top Gear's new seating]
Jeremy: I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.
James: This is the Bentley Brooklands, It's a uh, it's a two-door um, um, what's the other one called that they make?
Jeremy: [laughing] Continental, Azure, Arnage...
Richard: My, we have been off for a while, haven't we...

[on what it takes to become a minicabber]
James: I had to fill out a questionnaire, have my passport looked at, show my driving licence, have a medical and at no point did they ask if I had a sense of direction!

[On whether Jeremy will get sleep on the Oslo race]
James: Well I would, and you would, but I don't think Jeremy will because he'll become obsessed by [impersonates Clarkson] power and winning!

[opening a segment]
Jeremy: What if you're mad? What if you can't walk past a window without being overcome by an uncontrollable urge to lick it?
[laughter]

[Overlaying shots of Jeremy driving the Aston Martin V12 Vantage in the English countryside.]
Jeremy: Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage with a V12 engine. What do you think it's going to be like? It is fantastic. It is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. What it makes me feel, though, is sad. I just can't help thinking that thanks to all sorts of things...the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed... cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books. [drives past pictures of similar cars that have fallen out of use] I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I'm driving here is an ending. [looks at the camera] Good night.
Series 14

[Patrick Stewart has objected to Jeremy's pro-cell-phones-while-driving stance]
Jeremy: This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg!
Patrick: But I've had a lot of practice at that, you see.

[pointing to the Aston Martin DB9]
Jeremy: So it's Keira Knightley... [pointing to the Aston Martin DBS] or Keira Knightley, dressed in Puff Diddley's jewellery.

[police sirens are heard]
Jeremy: Police are here! Runaway!
Richard: Run! Hide in a bush!

[practicing his negligble sailing skills in a small boat]
James: There's a boat there called the "Hey Presto"! Hang on, there's a boat right here called "Puffin" - Hello Puffin! [crashes heavily into "Puffin"]

[Presenting the new BMW Z4]
Richard: You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat - and people would still buy it.