TV show quotes
[on the Black Shadow, in last place due to not being able to start it and then later accidentally stalling it]
OK. A few things to get used to. The gear lever is on the other side of the bike. So at the moment, every time I want to brake, I'm changing gear instead and if I want to change gear, I'm braking. It's not ideal. Brakes are the originals, and surprisingly good. The only trouble is, they're full of asbestos.
[riding the Black Shadow]
I am now straddling my boyhood hero! No, no, wait. That's not right, no. Between my legs... No.
[Jeremy, covered in soot, has just walked into the bar and collapsed after running there from the steam engine]
[holding a glass of beer up to Jeremy's mouth] Jeremy! Speak to me!
[after James overtakes Richard in the 1949 race, Richard calls Jeremy, who is several miles ahead]
Hammond, where are you?
Um, I'm about thirty miles south of Doncaster.
Oh, dear! We're in York.
What?!
Where's James?
He's just overtaken me, but his Jag is drinking fuel, so with a bit of luck, he'll stop for fuel before I do, and I can overtake him again.
Or he'll catch fire?
[Richard hears a tannoy announcement telling him to turn his mobile phone off]
What's that noise?
It's me being told off not to use a mobile phone by the man.
Go and tell him it's 1949.
Yes, so we can't have mobile phones.
[as the train starts to pull out of the station, it does a wheelspin]
Yes! That was wheelspin! On a 96-tonne train!
You're-- That is a steam train, isn't it? It's not got some nuclear device on board as well?
[the train is now on the move again]
[voiceover] No. What it had on board was a fresh crew. And that meant a fresh set of muscles.
[Jeremy has just left Berwick aboard Tornado, but has found out that James is in the lead.]
How far north of Berwick are you?
Less than ten miles.
How far?
Less than ten miles.
Seventeen?
No, less than ten!
Thirty?
[losing patience] LESS THAN TEN! [laughs] What a cock-end! Honestly!
[Jeremy, Richard and James are beginning on the news.]
Now as we know, to try and shore up the car industry, the Government recently announced that if you scrap your old Singer Gazelle, you get £2000 off the price of a new car.
But why is it just cars?
What are you suggesting; "Dear The Government, I've just found some rancid bacon in the back of my fridge; can I have a big pile of money to buy a shiny new lobster?"
[During the news, discussing the Skoda Fabia Scout]
...so presuming that it comes with a 10p piece, bit of string in the glove box, and it pitches up on your doorstep every year to ask for a pound to clean itself.
So I supposed that every summer it goes off and sort of stays in the countryside somewhere, and is... touched inappropriately.
[crowd laughs]
No, no James. [crowd continues laughing] No, no James. That's the Skoda Catholic Church.
[Jeremy is about to discuss a car smaller than the Peel P50.]
Now, we have some bad news.
[dryly] Dacia Sandero.
[firmly] No, not the Dacia Sandero.
Get off topic, just for a moment; you see, I was driving down here this morning and I couldn't help noticing that my Mercedes just said on the dashboard [puts on bad German accent] "your service is due in tventy-six days". [resumes normal voice] I just thought "How Germanic and boring is that?"
[whispering] ...and precise.
And then I was thinking "What's going to happen on the twenty-seventh day when inevitably I still haven't had it serviced?"
[in bad German accent] Cooler, sree veeks... Mezzr. Clarkson...
[Michael Schumacher as the Stig is driving the Reasonably Priced Car very badly]
Here he is, final corner... [the car doesn't turn up] ...Michael Schumacher is lost, everybody!!!
[During the opening sequence]
Tonight. We throw a chair over a hedge. A Quite Interesting man drives our reasonably priced car. And for the first time ever the Bugatti Veyron races a McLaren F1.
[During the challenge, inside the Top Gear office, talking to insurance sales people]
No, no accidents in the last five years. [immediately looks at the camera]
[Also talking to insurance sales people]
But that's 15 times the price of the car! What you're saying is, I'm going to completely write-off the car 15 times a year.
Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there. If you're a 17 year old boy and need car insurance, slice your penis off.
I would've done.
I did. [Richard and Jeremy laugh out loudly]
Yup. I nearly did.
[After Richard and James arrive at the school with their used cars]
[Narrating] And then, a geography teacher arrived.
[The "geography teacher" is, in fact, Jeremy, who is driving a beige Volvo 940 estate]
God above, I thought that was one of the teachers!
[Laughing as Jeremy gets out of his car] I'm sorry, I'm 17, "Happy birthday, son!" [Richard fakes crying for a moment]
[Completely serious] Perfect car for any 17-year-old.
Why?
Why?
Yes!
My turbo!
It is a low-pressure turbo.
[To James] What have you got?
I've got a Golf.
Has it got a turbo?
No.
[Talking about his own car] They did do a turbo--
What is that?
That's a Hyundai S-coupé, and they did do a turbo.
Not on this one.
No, not on this particular one.
So you turn up, at the school, here's my turbo. There's another very important issue that we must address: The most precious thing in your life, your child, speaking as a parent, is sitting in that seat, yes?
Yes.
[Indicating the hood] Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
