“Top Gear Winter Olympics (February 12th, 2006)”
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (15), James May (10), Richard Hammond (7)
[During the opening sequence.]
So, the Winter Olympics are being held in Italy, which when you look at the place, seems to be a bit too warm. That's why we're in Norway, a proper winter country. And we've got some proper winter sports lined up for you. So welcome then, to the Top Gear Winter Olympics. It's the Winter Olympics, speeded up a bit!
Anyway, you have probably noticed that TV's Richard Hammond isn't with us today and that's because he's currently appearing on commercial daytime television.
Yes he is, he's on live, every afternoon filling Paul O'Grady's slot.
[pause]
[laughs] I've just realised what I said then.
[laughs] I know.
This is speed skating. Which in the proper Olympics involves a lot of men in condoms, slithering about.
With Jeremy's shooting, you're perfectly safe so long as you stand directly in front of the target.
[producing an MP5A4 from the boot of his Volvo XC90] Not only is he using the wrong car, he's using the wrong gun. A .22 is alright when you're nine, but when you're in a hurry you need one of these: a Heckler and Koch MP5 machine pistol. That's on fully automatic... EAT LEAD Olympic target! [he fires an entire magazine in fully automatic mode and misses all five targets]
[after emptying an entire magazine at the 2nd targets and only managing to cut down a tree, he waits at the Penalty gate, hysterial with frustration]
STEVIE WONDER COULD'VE DONE BETTER!
Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yoghurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars... On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!
[when introducing the two wheel drive Jaguar XK] Old Jags were all full of wood and pipe tobacco, it was like being inside.. James May. But this one.. is like being inside.. James Kirk.
[testing his Land Rover Discovery on a makeshift ice circuit]
This is the best way to get the power of the big V8 down onto the ice: with 4WD; intelligent differentials; intelligent traction control; not just booting it, and shouting.
Up until now, Suzuki has been well known for making small Jeeps and our Reasonably Priced Car. Everything else they made is about as interesting as that pine tree.. [points to another few pine trees]] or no maybe that one, that one and that one to the left.
[after learning James and Jeremy plan to rocket a mini down a ski slope]
I am staying!
[announcing an event, with the text on the sign behind him truncated]
...in the "Top Gear Winter Olympics Ski Slash Car Jumping Champio!"
Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so...
No it isn't, it's a constant all over the world.
[on building a snow bank at the bottom of the ski slope]
[to Jeremy] Yeah, it's going well. It's going well... [he slips, falls, and slides all the way down the slope]
I can guarantee that won't stop the Mini. Partly because it's not substantial enough, but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope, and the Mini... is coming down that one. [pointing to the other ski slope].
Right.
[Jeremy and James collapse laughing]
Righto.
What a complete...
I'll make some adjustments.
Did nobody tell you?!
[shouting] NO!! Obviously!! Or I'd have built it over there!!
[Jeremy and James continue to laugh]
That is fairly embarrassing. What I need... is a big machine.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
