[This special episode of Top Gear is entirely a race from Resolute in Canada to the North Magnetic Pole].
“Top Gear Polar Race (July 25, 2007)”
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (17), James May (7), Richard Hammond (4)
[explaining the modifications made to his Toyota Hilux on what appears to be a sunny day]
...then at the front, I insisted it was fitted with these powerful spot lamps, although that might have been a bit unnecessary since its currently 11:30 pm and this is as dark as it ever gets.
Richard Hammond has been given Matty McNair, who is one of the world's leading Arctic experts. Me? I've been given... him.
[Jeremy points and he pulls up to James May]
Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to "push my body to find the limit," I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that and I hate your stupid truck.
[shushing James] Listen. If we make it, look at it this way: you will be the first person ever to go to the North Pole who didn't want to be there.
[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps]
DDoctor
Should we go straight to the frozen penis?
[An image of a frostbitten penis is shown on screen, the three react in horror]
DDoctor
He'd been walking with it hanging out of his trousers.
How do you walk with your willy hanging out?
DDoctor
Which comes down to organisation and teamwork.
Well, it's more than disorganised!
It's a good job he didn't do it on the London Underground -- he'd be arrested for permanently getting on public transport with it hanging out...
[Richard is helping a dog out of it's harness]
In the meantime, we'd cleared Bathurst Island. But the brutal pace was starting to fray my temper.
[he hands Matty the harness]
MMatty
Thanks. Did you want to see if it fits? We need a new lead dog...
[menacingly] Well, you could try, but there's nobody else here, and I have a shovel. I wouldn't.
[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps]
We were then taught how to erect a tent. Our instructor was a former Special Forces soldier who arrived with a pixelated face... and he was very bossy.
[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps: after the Special Forces soldier pushes Jeremy through the ice]
SFSpecial Forces Soldier with the pixellated face
That's it. Pull your self out. Pull yourself out! Come on! Put some effort in! Don't stay there all day! Drop the poles!
[confused] How dare you...
SFSpecial Forces Soldier
Hands above your head, hands above your head! HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD! Okay, roll in the snow, roll in the snow! ROLL IN THE SNOW!
[Jeremy does so]
Roll in the snow, Jeremy. That will make you much better, rather than a big pink fluffy towel.
That looked awful.
I'm... I'm staggered.
Do you know what though, I like to think of us as a unit on Top Gear, and as a unit we've done that test.
Who do you think's going to win this race?
I think we're all going to die.
Let's go to the pole!
[on Richard]
He is a plucky Brit, and like all plucky Brits, he's going to come in second.
[trying to erect a tent in a high Arctic winds]
How [bleep]ing monstrous is this?
It's... it's, beyond... it's not normal.
The silence is... beautiful.
Based on... no knowledge at all, we decided to push on in our three ton truck.
I admire Hammond for doing what he's doing. I admire all Arctic explorers. But I think the time has now come for the world to say let's see how easily we can get to the top of Everest. Let's see how easily we can get to the North Pole. I think we could forge a career as the world's worst explorers. [voiceover] Surprisingly, James was ahead of me on that one.
What would really make it nice would be a gin and tonic. Would you like one?
What?
A gin and tonic.
Yes, I would like a gin and tonic, but we can't have a gin and tonic because we're in the Arctic Ocean.
I'll make you one.
What?
[James produces the necessary items and ingredients]
Hahahahahahaha! You've got gin!
I have.
And because we're in international waters there's no drink-driving laws.
Exactly.
Got any ice? [looks around him and starts to laugh] That's a stupid question, isn't it?
Could you just slow down so I can slice the lemon for the gin and tonic?
Now this is Arctic exploration.
And please, do not write to us about drinking and driving. Because I'm not driving, I'm sailing.
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