A character in Top Gear
Played by Richard Hammond
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 628 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (406), James May (261)
[Reading from the first challenge card] You must now imagine that you are 17...
Yes.
...and modify your cars accordingly, in order to do what any 17-year-old boy wants to do: attract girls!
Richard[Laughing at Jeremy] You've had it! Well look at your beige Volvo!
Just--get on...
[Continuing] Your budget is whatever you have left from your original £2,500.
[To James] So how much have you got?
300 quid.
[To Richard] You?
Richard500 quid! You?
...naught.
[During the news, about the car insurance]
RichardCan I just point out before we do move on, if you do decide to put yourself on your parents' insurance, and you have a crash, and the insurance company find out that it was really your car...
Which they will if it's got a body kit on it. Or even half a body kit. [part of Hammond's body kit had fallen off in an earlier challenge]
RichardAlright, whatever. The point is, if the insurance company find out that it really was your car after all, they won't pay out. And then they can prosecute you, and then you might have to go to jail. And then one day you'll be in the showers and a big, strange man will come and-
[interrupting] Oookayy! Okay...
[James has sent the supermarket trolleys flying with his handbrake turn, but the teenage girls are paying no attention.]
RichardThey're hot for James May right now!
[Jeremy laughs loudly.]
I might as well have cut my penis off for all the good that did.
[Richard has crashed his car. Jeremy runs over to it and opens the door.]
You alright?
[After hearing no answer from Richard, he closes the door again.]
[mournfully] Dead.
Really?
Yeah... [sniffs] Yeah. Anyway, er...
Back to the studio.
[indignantly] That's my line!
[Later, in the studio...]
Richard[gently] Luckily, children, I got better; you may not be so lucky.
[also gently] Yes, it's like my penis: that grew back. Yours might not.
[An irate Jeremy is trying to stop the windscreen wiper while in the studio.]
RichardThis is consumer advice as well, so...
[frustrated] SHUT UUUUUP!
Guys! Problem!
What?
I've shoved my anarchy flag through my water lilo!
RichardNobody's ever said that before.
RichardAnd now we must do the news, and starting off with Citroën, they've made a new C3, here it is, and... well, it's a Citroën, it looks like that, but the most important thing about it is, for this car, they've invented a new word.
Word?
RichardThey've actually, they've put it in their publicity material for it, and it's, it's "visiodrive". They confess they've made that up, it's a whole... new word! Visio... drive.
I'm sort of sympathetic.
RichardWhy?
Because none of the words you would normally use to describe a Citroën would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like... "flimsy".
[during the news]
As men, we all know that you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah? We know that.
I did.
What?
I did.
You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance.
Yeah, I got her a power drill.
RichardJames! James, she's a ballet correspondent.
Well, that's what she wanted! She said "I want that power drill," so I got it for her!
No, she said that, James, but - do you know nothing? Women say they want a power drill, but they don't, they want soap. Women always - they do!
Yeah, but it's impossible to buy soap for a woman.
RichardEh? No, hang on, soap's soap. You can't -
Oho!
Hah!
Whoa ho! Did you hear that, girls? "Soap is soap."
RichardWell, it is! It's just -
Go on, then, buy your wife some Swarfega.
RichardWell, that's great! That's an effective cleaning agent! She'd be chuffed, I'm sure!
However. The worst thing you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl is a handbag.
RichardThat's pretty bad.
Because, even if by some miracle you got the right colour, it would be the wrong shape, it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag-
Is there a season for handbags?
[laughter]
Did you hear? Is...oh yes!
What, there's certain times of the year I can shoot handbags and it's okay?
RichardYep.
[more laughter]
No, the fact is, okay, my wife has a handbag; I kid you not, it is this big. [holds up paper cup] And in it, she'll go, "I've lost my mobile phone! Ring it! Ring it, ring it! And you'll say, "If it's in there, you must be able to see it-", "I can't see it!"
[During the car sauna clip]
RichardGiven that we are made of ... what percentage of us is water?
98%.
Or less.
RichardWater that evaporates. So what we are breathing is each other...
[Jeremy looks horrified and James looked disgusted]
[After showing the car sauna clip]
Gordon, if you're watching, and you're probably not, if you go to set these ridiculous, er, heatwave level alerts...what was it we got up to?
Sixty-two.
[continuing his speech] ...Sixty-two degrees is your bottom.
RichardYeah, it gets a bit toasty...
A bit uncomfortable.
RichardHow about that?
Yeah.
Actually, Gordon, there's something else I've discovered in that test, if you're watching. And that is... I know when I'm too hot.
I don't need the Government to tell me to have a drink of water and put suncream on. Leave - us - alone!
[After James has done a lap with a St Bernard dog in the car]
Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog.
RichardAww! It's making me sad just looking at him!
[indignantly] That's his normal face!
That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen, and it's your fault. If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at 'James May is a Bastard, BBC Top Gear, London'.
Acceleration, not nationalisation - of the banks (although obviously it's easy to make a credible case for state ownership of other industries such as utilities)!
RichardCatchy!
[Jeremy, James and Richard are talking about the new Lamborghini Gallardo Balboni]
I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.
Just for the stripe. Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you, okay? Have you seen this?
[A picture of a Gallardo on fire appears on the screen]
RichardThat's...that's a burning Gallardo.
Yeah; have you seen this?
[Another picture of a Gallardo on fire appears...]
RichardThat's a burning Gallardo.
Yeah, I know; have you seen this?
[...and another...]
RichardThat's a burning Gallardo.
I know, but have you seen this?
[...and another...]
RichardThat's a burning Gallardo.
What about this?
[...and another...]
RichardEr, burning Gallardo.
What about this?
[...and one of a Gallardo that's almost totally destroyed by the fire]
Richard[laughing] That'd be a burning Gallardo! That's ridiculous!
So I go into the dealer and I say "I'd like a Lamborghini, can I have one that's not on fire?"
Thing is, though, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting; you drive in a normal car, and it's not on fire.
How many children said, "Dad, can we please go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed 'cause I really wanna see a zero-emission Renault van"?
RichardYes, how many of those kids went back to school the next day, "Did you see the chrome-plated Bugatti?" "No, but I saw a Renault van with green windows! Yeah!"
[On Porsche Panamera's satellite navigation]
You get the moving map in the dial. [Enthusiastically] Oh, oh!
RichardYou're not going to crash the car doing this?
Yes, I am!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
