Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Tonight, two swans move their heads about, I eat a shoe and James says he's not fat.

James

I'm not fat.

Richard

Now, this is the brand-new £866,000 McLaren P1, probably the most advanced and jaw-dropping car the world has ever seen.

Jeremy

Hmm. The attention to detail in this thing boggles the mind. It is … It's almost science fiction. And so, there was only one place on Earth where I could test it properly. Belgium. [laughter]

Jeremy

Hammond, I'll do you a deal. If the Porsche is faster round our track than this, I will change my name, by deed poll, to Jennifer.

Richard

Really?

Jeremy

Yes.

Richard

Promise?

Jeremy

Yes.

Jeremy

Tonight, I eat a cabbage, James throws a bird out of a car and Richard forgets the abbreviation for America.

Richard

USB.

James

How much is this thing?

Jeremy

How much? …£800,000.

James

[surprised tone] 800?!

Jeremy

Yes.

James

Are there any upsides to it?

Jeremy

Uh, upsides, yes. The fire did get rid of the condensation in the lights. [laughter]

James

Apart from the fire?

Jeremy

Apart from the fire… Yes, it's surprisingly comfortable and very quiet.

James

Well, it would be quiet. It was broken.

Jeremy

How's it go?

Richard

[quoting The Charge of the Light Brigade by Alfred, Lord Tennyson] "Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do and die."

Jeremy

"Into the valley of Death rode the six hundred."

Richard

And that is the valley.

Jeremy

That is where the Charge of the Light Brigade actually happened.

Jeremy

Don't they take a long time to think of?

I would say I'm spontaneous with it, but I might be lying.

Jeremy

Somebody said here, [reading] "Why have you only got 200,000 followers?" And you replied, "Jesus only needed 12." [laughter] You've got to admit… they are properly very funny. [reading] "James Blunt has an annoying face and a highly irritating voice." You went, "Yes, and no mortgage "

Jeremy

Tonight, I sit on a rock, James gets something in his eye.

James

Ow!

Jeremy

And Richard says, "Mummy!".

Richard

Oh, Mummy!

James

Have you quite finished?

Jeremy

Well, not really because there's a lot to go through but, sadly, we must now find out how fast these cars go round our track and that, of course, means handing them over to a man who can actually drive.

Jeremy

And what's amazing is that, in Singapore, you're not allowed to drive a left-hand drive car on the road. So he's paid £1.5 million for a car he can't drive.

James

He's completely mad.

Jeremy

He isn't — somebody's just paid, what, £42 million for a Francis Bacon painting. You can't drive that, either. [laughter]

James

It's not a car.

Jeremy

James, I haven't got time for your pedantry.

Richard

Hold on a minute.

Jeremy

Yes, what?

Richard

So you are saying, he is going to drive across our darkened studio, peering through his darkened visor?

Jeremy

Yes.

Richard

Is this how this Stig dies? [laughter]

James

Has he done a book?

Jeremy

No, he hasn't. Right, is he ready?

Jeremy

Tonight, I move my eyes, Richard vandalizes the road.

James

There you go.

Jeremy

and James says cow.

James

Cows!

James

Anyway, you have probably noticed that TV's Richard Hammond isn't with us today and that's because he's currently appearing on commercial daytime television.

Jeremy

Yes he is, he's on live, every afternoon filling Paul O'Grady's slot.

Jeremy

[laughs] I've just realised what I said then.

James

[laughs] I know.

Jeremy

Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so...

James

No it isn't, it's a constant all over the world.

Jeremy

I can guarantee that won't stop the Mini. Partly because it's not substantial enough, but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope, and the Mini... is coming down that one. [pointing to the other ski slope].

Richard

Right.

Richard

Righto.

Jeremy

What a complete...

Richard

I'll make some adjustments.

Jeremy

Did nobody tell you?!

Richard

[shouting] NO!! Obviously!! Or I'd have built it over there!!

Richard

That is fairly embarrassing. What I need... is a big machine.