Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Do you have any vacuum cleaner?

Jeremy

A vacuum cleaner?

Yes, clean the seats.

Jeremy

Does Top Gear have a vacuum cleaner?! No!

Jeremy

You've just let me down.

James

Rubbish. I've scored two brilliant goals whilst you've been chatting up some Norwegian woman and standing in the bar.

That was my wife.

James

It was his wife.

Jeremy

Yes, it was your wife.

Jeremy

Hammond, in the sin bin!

Richard

I can't believe I got sin binned, for what?

Jeremy

Go on ITV, and you get sin binned. It's that simple.

Richard

[voiceover] With me shackled, Prime Time bought the scores to 5-4.

James

[scoring a goal] Yeah!

Richard

Oh, come on, ref!

Jeremy

Hammond, you may rejoin...

Jeremy

...and that's the end of the game, everybody!

Jeremy

Richard Hammond has been given Matty McNair, who is one of the world's leading Arctic experts. Me? I've been given... him.

James

Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to "push my body to find the limit," I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that and I hate your stupid truck.

Jeremy

[shushing James] Listen. If we make it, look at it this way: you will be the first person ever to go to the North Pole who didn't want to be there.

Should we go straight to the frozen penis?

He'd been walking with it hanging out of his trousers.

Richard

How do you walk with your willy hanging out?

Which comes down to organisation and teamwork.

Richard

Well, it's more than disorganised!

Jeremy

It's a good job he didn't do it on the London Underground -- he'd be arrested for permanently getting on public transport with it hanging out...

That's it. Pull your self out. Pull yourself out! Come on! Put some effort in! Don't stay there all day! Drop the poles!

Jeremy

[confused] How dare you...

Hands above your head, hands above your head! HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD! Okay, roll in the snow, roll in the snow! ROLL IN THE SNOW!

Richard

Roll in the snow, Jeremy. That will make you much better, rather than a big pink fluffy towel.

Richard

That looked awful.

James

I'm... I'm staggered.

Richard

Do you know what though, I like to think of us as a unit on Top Gear, and as a unit we've done that test.

Jeremy

Who do you think's going to win this race?

James

I think we're all going to die.

James

How [bleep]ing monstrous is this?

Jeremy

It's... it's, beyond... it's not normal.

Jeremy

I admire Hammond for doing what he's doing. I admire all Arctic explorers. But I think the time has now come for the world to say let's see how easily we can get to the top of Everest. Let's see how easily we can get to the North Pole. I think we could forge a career as the world's worst explorers. [voiceover] Surprisingly, James was ahead of me on that one.

James

What would really make it nice would be a gin and tonic. Would you like one?

Jeremy

What?

James

A gin and tonic.

Jeremy

Yes, I would like a gin and tonic, but we can't have a gin and tonic because we're in the Arctic Ocean.

James

I'll make you one.

Jeremy

What?

Jeremy

Hahahahahahaha! You've got gin!

James

I have.

Jeremy

And because we're in international waters there's no drink-driving laws.

James

Exactly.

Jeremy

Got any ice? [looks around him and starts to laugh] That's a stupid question, isn't it?

James

Could you just slow down so I can slice the lemon for the gin and tonic?

Jeremy

Now this is Arctic exploration.

James

What would those salmon eggs go really well with?

Jeremy

Well, a crisp white, but, um, we can dream on about that.

James

Like a Chablis really.

Jeremy

Yes. So do we get... [James produces a wine bottle] Nooooo, nooooo, James! [breathes in heavily] Look what he's got! Wine! I haven't had any for days!

James

I knew you'd like that.

Jeremy

A week in Resolute and three days on the ice just surviving on only gin!

James

That's very flat over there...

Jeremy

James, we're out.

Jeremy

[rejoicing] We've made it! [lies down on his front] It's flat! It's so smooth, and no more going up and down...! [groaning] Oh...

Jeremy

It had taken three days of almost non-stop driving, but this incredible machine had breached what the experts had said would be an impregnable wall. It had taken on the impossible... and it had won.