Titus · Season 3
[after Nicky's water breaks; two neighbors who can help don't get along]
Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
[Titus frowns and feels his forehead]
Come on, let's go! I'm out of booze and sober is nipping at my heels!
Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!
Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?
You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun.
[confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?
[Ken goes bust at the blackjack table.]
Damn it! The wussy must be here!
Isn't there something you always wanted from your dad?
A "do not resuscitate" order?
Oh, my dad always sugarcoats the truth, kinda the way a stray lawn dart sugarcoats your drunken uncle's neck at the family picnic.
Does this dress make me look fat?
When you're too fat, I'll let you know. Your stuff will be out on the lawn.
Vengeance is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girlfriend hogs the chocolate milk, no. But, your girlfriend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girlfriend ass.
People screaming in the front yard. It must be a Titus family party.
[Tommy's gay father, Perry, shows up.]
Shouldn't you be out there dancing with the construction worker, the cop, and the Indian?
(Tommy is threatening to stab Ken with a knife)
Tommy, I get it. I remember the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife. Welcome to the family. (to Ken): You got this.
Yeah.
(scene flips to Ken threatening to stab Tommy)
And that's what happened the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife.
My mom's not a bad person. She just has bad people living inside her. She's very creative in the way she hurts people. She could've been famous, but she wouldn't sign the Batman villain release form.
Erin's the kind of woman who can rip your head off and make you feel like a bad boy. God, that's sexy. (shrugs) I'm damaged.
Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?
Did she take anyone else out with her?
Sir, were you smoking in the bathroom?
[through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Titus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
