(Ken Titus's 10th Christmas)
1Y10-Year-Old Ken Titus
A toy puppy! Thanks, Mom.
TGrandma Titus
Aw, damn it. I forgot to put holes in the box. Well, play with it today, 'cuz tomorrow, it'll be hard.
S3 E6House Boat
Hey, buddy! Santa came last night!
FYFive-Year-Old Christopher
What did he bring me?
Nothing. Your new mommy's a Jew. Blame her.
"To: Titus, From Dad". My dad's a new man. He learned that forgiveness is better than hate and vengeance. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women: you just can't keep having them.
S3 E7The Trial
I wish everybody had a mom like mine.
PProsecutor
A mother who kills people?
Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!
Normal people fear the day their parents die. Screwed-up people fear the day their parents kill. My mom killed a guy. At our wedding. So, I can pretty much check that one off. But, she's my mom, and, no matter what she did, I can't just walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
My mom is mentally ill, so she and I have always watched out for each other. She saved me from bullies; I saved her from CIA hitmen, poisonous spoons, and border collies that scream at you with their eyes.
When you're raised by a mentally ill mother, you have to be a clutch player, because bad things happen really fast. You only get one chance to deflect the cops or one chance to ditch the landlord or one chance to make sure Mom doesn't choke on her own vomit -- well, well, one chance per time -- and you only get one chance to go back-to-school shopping before they take away the Goodwill bin.
S3 E8Grandma Titus
Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
TGrandma Titus
Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
I'm not gay.
TGrandma Titus
Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
TGrandma Titus
George Washington crossed the Delaware River to get to the whores!
Delaware is famous for its whores.
Christopher (in the Neutral Space): We all have that person in the family who, when you get a phone call at 3:00am from the police, ho-ho, you know it's about them. I have seven of them in my family -- and they're all my mom!
Alzheimer's: a disease marked by the progressive loss of mental capacity. One minute, you're making breakfast for your grandkids; the next minute, you're holding pancakes up to your ears and going, "Hey, do these go with my house coat?"
S3 E9Errr
(after Titus saves Amy from attempting suicide by swallowing pills and drinking alcohol)
Vodka and pills? (a beat): I told you to stay out of my Dad's earthquake kit.
S3 E10Tommy's Crush
[Titus is facing off against Shannon's husband Stefan.]
TTitus
Dad, what are we, German-Irish?
White. That's all that matters.
[offended] Papa Titus!
In society's eyes, I'm saying!
S3 E11Into Thin Air
[Hanging from a tree, Titus falls and gets caught in another tree.]
That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!
[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
TTitus
It's a spruce!
S3 E12Too Damn Good
TTitus
You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!
You took that as an insult?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Titus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.