The Young Ones · Season 1, Episode 3
What are you doing, Vyvyan?
I'm entering a contest to win a Ford Tippex. You have to say what Cornflakes mean to you in 10 words. So I said: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes.
Pathetic! You'll never win, Vyvyan.
Why not?
It's only nine words.
[writing] Corn...flakes!
[to Suggs of Madness, the live band playing at the pub] Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard?
You 'um it, I'll smash your face in.
[taken aback] I'll go sit over there...
Bloody hell. No room for me on the sofa as usual. I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. (Going over to the TV) Oh goody goody gumdrops. Just in time to watch "Oh Crikey" on ITV!
Oh, Rick! We were watching "Bastard Squad"!
Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?
Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil...
Hello.
And that's a complete bastard I know called Rick.
[laughing] He's just joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
Ooh. He is a bastard, isn't he?
Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?
[Vyvyan pushes Rick off his chair, knocking him onto the floor. Vyvyan's Mum steps over to Rick and kicks him.]
Now dear, why don't you come over here and tell me what you've been doing for the past 10 years?
Ok, Mum.
Not you. Zitface! [Picks Mike up from his seat] Him.
Neil, wanna see my new trick? [Neil meditates] Mike, do you want to see my new trick?
No, I'm busy with the paper.
Rick?
No, I don't Vyvyan, I've got something more important to think about too. [Neil meditates]
Look! Watch my trick you bastards or I'll kill you! [Slices off a finger on his hand] Brilliant, hey!... Oh, dear... Wrong finger... Aaugh, ah, ah, ah, aaaugh!
Hey, Vyvyan. Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers!
Let's do something, we're bored stupid!
Ha! Ha! Rick didn't have far to go, did he?
I just knew you were gonna say that!
That's a complete lie, you poof!
I knew you were gonna say that too!
[Vyvyan smashes Rick over the head with a bottle.]
You didn't know I was gonna do that, did you?!
(awkwardly) Alright, Vyvyan, no I didn't know that. [Vyvyan laughs.]
Vyvyan, have you ever heard of cloning?
(pause) No.
Oh, good. Would you swear to that?
Certainly. If that's what you want. Big jobs!
It's a laugh, though, innit?
What?
That noise you make in the back of your throat when you hear a joke.
Yeah. Yeah, that's a laugh.
Who's been gobbing in my lentils?
Yes! Who's been gobbing in our lentils?
Let's go to McDonald's.
Yes!
Hey! Wouldn't it be a-mazing if all this money was real?
That is the single most predictable... and BORING thing that anybody, could ever say whilst playing Monopoly.
What about 'Vyvyan'? I can say 'Vyvyan' can't I? That's boring.
You have won second prize in a beauty contest... [Rick Laughs] smash Rick over the head with the bank!
[Vyvyan does just that.]
It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!
Mike?
No, he's right, Rick. That's exactly what it says.
In biro, Mike! In biro over the top of the print!
But we had to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring!
Congratulations, it is your birthday, you may set fire to Rick's Bed.
Good one!
Get out of jail free: you may keep this card, sell it or stick it up Rick's bottom! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game!
I WAS BORED!
It gets worse! Neil's gone down to the garden to kill himself... and it's his go.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
