The Young Ones · Season 1, Episode 2
Bloody heck! Is this the new house?
I think it's beautiful, Rick!
Well I think it looks like a gigantic lavatory!
It hasn't been razed to the ground.
Well, at least we have a front door.
We had a front door at the last house!
Yes, Vyvyan, but it was nailed to the ceiling in the living room!
Rick, it had to be done.
Yeah! I had to! I was drunk!
More bloody students...
Oh, put some clothes on.
[Rick demands an explanation as to why Vyvyan removed the toilet from the bathroom and threw it out the living room window]
Well now we can go to the rent tribunal. You don't have to pay as much for a house with an outside lavy!
Really? Well you know what I think? I think you did it on purpose because you know I've got a runny bottom!
And don't forget to unplug your set.
Why?
'Cause it'll blow up you silly boy.
Got you, traitor! [Hits Rick in the crotch with the bat]
Ha! Ha! Missed both my legs! [grimaces]
[smacks Rick in the head with the bat] Oh, shut up.
[Catches a golf ball] How's that? [Realises it is actually feces and groans in disgust, goes into bathroom and comes out] Who's been using my toothpaste?!
Vyvyan was writing an essay and he used it as Tipp-Ex.
Bastard!
Five pounds to get in my own bedroom?! Hah! What have you done, turned it into a roller disco?
Uncanny!
[Rick walks into his room to find that it has indeed been turned into a roller disco.]
Underneath the Staircase: A Look at Everyday Life Beneath the Stairs
Oh dear me, ma'am. I know it's our job to look after the young gentlemen as best we can, but I can't help but feel Young Master Neil do treat us very rough sometimes.
And so he should, young Lucy, for we love it. The complete negation of our personalities, the mind numbing servility, and the eighteen-hour day, and we expect no reward but a staircase over our heads.
Oh yes, the personal abuse is our lot. And the further back you go, the better it was!
Now, everyone, the masters are coming downstairs to beat us. Not a peep out of you. Best behaviour, or you'll have me to answer to!
[Neil, Vyvyan and Rick are digging in the basement for oil. Unlike Rick and Neil who are using pickaxes, Vyvyan is using his head whilst wearing a helmet.]
Oh, sorry, Vyv.
[Vyvyan slowly stands up only to have the pickaxe right through his head.]
[calmly] That's ok, Neil. It was bound to happen... sooner or later [faints].
Who're you? I'm coming in here to watch Postman Pat.
[the band leader] This is the band Radical Posture, and my name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five-Year Plan Sputnik Pravda Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?
You know you're the spitting image of our landlord, Jerzei?
Yeah, he's my uncle, actually, you know.
It's incredible! You're as like as two peas.
I'm not sharing a bedroom with THAT rubber Johnny! All right Neil, shut up. Before you say anything I just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost. It's completely fair and if you don't believe me, ask Mike.
[despondently] Oh, uh. Ok Rick. [Audience awws]
What?
What?
What did you just say?
Huh?
You just called me a bastard didn't you!
Oh, and Neil? I want that ₤1.50 by Friday or else another moose dies.
[to audience] By the way, it was a complete lie about the oil.
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