The War at Home · Season 1
Dave (to Vicky): It turns out Hillary's doctor is someone I went to high school with.
You're kidding. You know Dr. Vogel?
Oh, yeah, I know all about him. Let's just say he turned his hobby into his career.
What do you mean, he was President of the Pap Smear Club?
In a matter of speaking, yes. I mean, in high school, all this guy talked about was getting into girls' pants. At least back then he had to work at it. Now all he has to do is say next!
Hillary (to Dave): What are you calling Dr. Vogel for?
(cut scene)
To tell him he's gotten his last peek at my wife and daughter's woo-woos.
(to Dave) Come on, honey. When we got married, it was for better or for worse and I guess I'm just getting better and you're getting worse!
Dave (to Vicky): What, you don't think young women find me attractive, huh? Believe me, I'm out there in the world, I see the looks I'm getting, I know what they're thinking.
Yeah, they're thinking, "Who's this creep staring at my boobs?"
Dave (about Mike): This is a nightmare. I mean, first he wanted to have a bar mitzvah and I'm unhappy. Now he doesn't want to have a bar mitzvah and I'm unhappy. No matter what, I always feel unhappy.
I'm no expert, but isn't that what being Jewish is all about?
(Rabbi Safra nods)
That's good, Mike. Reallly, I-I gotta tell you, I'm very, very impressed by your commitment and, uh, spirituality. I really, really am. Can I make one comment, though?
Sure, what's that?
You're full of crap!
(answering the phone) Hello?
Hi, Daddy.
What's going on, Hillary? Where are you?
I fell and I hurt my ankle. I'm at the emergency room.
Okay, just relax, okay? We'll be there in ten minutes.
Actually, it's gonna take a little longer than ten minutes.
What the hell kind of mall did you go to?
Oh, did I say "mall"? I meant "ski resort."
Remember that time we made Mike wear that T-shirt that said "White Power" and threatened to drop him off in Harlem?
I don't want to go.
Come on, it's Florida, all right? Everybody wants to go. Two million Cubans can't be wrong.
I want to go down there, and I want to have the best vacation ever, okay and I want to show my father what a loving, terrific, and beautiful family I have.
Oh, my God, you have another family?
Dave (to Vicky): Are you done with that? I'd like to make a phone call, assuming that's okay with you.
Sure, go ahead. But when you're done, could you do me a favor?
Yeah.
Shove it up your ***.
Well, if I do, it's not going to be because you told me to.
(cut scene)
(standing next to a "Reasons to Live" chart) All right, let's see. I have one son that ignores everything I say. (erases Mike's name from chart) The other one ran away. (erases Larry's name from chart) I have a wife that thinks I'm a jackass who needs a haircut. (erases Vicky's name from chart, leaving "Hillary" and "Beer'") Well, at least I have beer in the fridge and a daughter that thinks I'm a hero.
Vicky (to Dave): Did you open a new credit card without telling me?
Honey, after 17 years, I don't even take off my pants without telling you.
Well, you gotta call the credit card company right away, because if you didn't open it and I didn't open it, then it could be identity theft.
Yeah, right, like anyone would want my identity.
(to Dave) I was going to suspend your license for 90 days and fine you $500, but given these new circumstances, I can no longer do that.
Thank you, Your Honor. Thank you. Thank you very much.
You are, however, guilty of perjury and of falsifying a police report. The court hereby fines you $5,000.
(cut scene)
What the hell is wrong with my daughter? Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut like every other ungrateful teenager? Freakin' big mouth.
The first day of school. When you're a kid, it's the worst day of the year. When you're a parent, it's the 4th of July, New Year's Eve, and your birthday all rolled into one. In fact, I just got some back-to-school supplies. (opens a bottle of champagne and drinks it)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The War at Home pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
