No, no, seriously, tell me, have you actually thought about breaking up with me? Because I can't think of one reason why anyone would want to break up with me.
How about the time when I was pregnant with Hillary and my water broke & your first instinct was to criticize me because I ruined the upholstery of your Camaro.
You know what the problem with this country is? Everyone has a freakin' dream, and it's only in America. I mean, have you ever heard of "the Canadian Dream"? No. And there's no such thing as "the Mexican Dream" other than to sneak across the border to have "the American Dream." As much as I hate dreams, yeah, I can't help it, you know? I still have hopes and dreams for my own kids. Mainly that they'll sneak across the border into Mexico and leave me the hell alone.
You see, that's why I never promise my kids anything. If they don't expect anything, they'll never be disappointed. It also applies to wives and foreplay.
It's a fact of life. We all lie. Husbands lie to wives, wives lie to husbands, parents lie to kids and the President lies to everyone. And then, of course, there is the most popular lies: the lies we tell ourselves. (holds up cup that reads "World's Best Dad")
For your information, Vicky, I was trying. I sat down with him to watch TV, we talked about "The Lord of the Rings" which he loves so much, and then, out of nowhere, he opens his big mouth and curses at me. I mean, what kind of **** is that?
We're just playing this really cool computer simulation game, where you get to interact with thousands of people in a virtual world. You can earn virtual money and buy virtual property, and...
