Dad just beat the crap out of Larry!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You know how when you're in a restaurant and the food doesn't come out the way you like, you could just send it back? Wouldn't it be great if you could do that with your kids? Uh, waiter, I'm sorry. This daughter? She's a little too spicy for my taste, and, uh, not enough dressing and, uh, my older son, where exactly on the menu did it say he was going to come out flaming and, uh, the youngest one. I don't even remember ordering him.
Hillary (to Taye): Wait, you're breaking up with me?
TTaye
Mmm-hmm.
Why? I mean, is this because I'm grounded? Because I can just sneak out.
TTaye
It's not that. You can't go around thugging on people. You're a hater.
No, it wasn't like that at all.
TTaye
I'm sorry, but I can't go out with someone who solves their problems with violence. (Cut scene) Plus, she's way too clingy. If I was actually hitting it, it'd be one thing, but life's too short.
(to Vicky) Sweetie, why'd you have to invite your mother over for dinner? Didn't we just see her, like, a month ago?
Hey, Hillary, you were an accident!
Shut up, so were you!
Mike (to Hillary): Okay, here's the deal. If I go into the honors program, I'll have a built-in excuse for getting bad grades.
Wow, maybe I should go into the honors program.
On the other hand, everyone's gonna call me a geek, and I'll have no chance of landing a hot girl. I mean, I'll be facing Larry-like odds.
Oh, yeah, I see your point.
But being in honors could actually improve my chances. There are 22 hot girls in the regular program and about 300 guys, which means I have a 1-in-14 probability of getting one. But in honors, I'd be the one normal guy competing for the one cute girl. My odds go from 7% to 100%. So, balancing all those factors, what do you think I should do?
I think you should go into the smart group 'cause I don't even know what the hell you're talking about anymore.
(cut scene)
(about Vicky) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want her to back to work full-time. She's gonna be too tired to do the important stuff around here, like the laundry... and me.
Hillary (to Dave): I need my allowance.
Forget it. What, are you crazy? You're not getting any money for doing nothing.
But I always get money for doing nothing, and I need to buy makeup.
Forget it, okay?
Oh, come on. Mom would give me the money.
Yeah, well, your mom's not here, okay? So, you're gonna have to figure out another way to look too old and too easy.
Hey, this is for you.
(reads paper) A meeting with the principal? (to Vicky) Hey, this is for you.
What did you do this time?
Nothing.
The last time you did nothing, it took four months for Larry to grow his hair back.
Mom, it's not fair. Why do I have to give up my room for your stupid friend?
Hey, hey, for your information, that room was supposed to be our guest room. You're lucky we even let you use it.
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? I'm cleaning up. Jodi's gonna be here any second. I don't want her to think we live like animals.
Yeah, God forbid your slutty, drunkie friend looks down on us.
Dave (to Vicky): Are you, huh? Are you pregnant? Is that what you're telling me? Are you telling me that you're pregnant?
Well, all three times I had to tell you that, I made you a nice meal and got you all liquored up first.
Yeah, well, I'm hungry and sober, so...
I'm not pregnant.
Thank God! Wait a second. Why would you even think you're pregnant? You're on the pill, right? You are on the pill, aren't you?
Technically, no.
Technically? Vicky, come on, I don't want "technically." Okay, we already have three accidents. I mean, Allstate won't even insure that uterus, okay?
Larry (while playing Monopoly): Yes! With two houses, you owe me $500.
Great. I guess I have to sell a hotel.
You can just owe it to me, I guess.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're half-Jewish, half-Italian. Okay, that means you charge him as much as you can and if he doesn't pay, you break his legs.
No, no. No therapy. Okay? All those head doctors do is say you have ADD or OCD or NAACP and boom, you're labeled a nut job. And once you start, you can't stop. I'm telling you, Vicky, therapy is like crack for sad people.
Mike (to Mike & Vicky): All right, look, I have to tell you guys the truth. I'm not really depressed, okay? That note you found was a song I tried to write, and I was just trying to get you to buy me stuff.
We know that, you idiot!
Yeah, what's the matter with you, huh? How can you do something like that?
You scared us!
How are we supposed to know when there's something's really wrong with you, you moron!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The War at Home pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.