Dave quotes from The War at Home

Dave

I only have one simple rule for dating my teenage daughter: if she sees your penis, I'll cut it off.

Dave

My dad had it easy. In his day, if you brought home a paycheck and didn't beat your kids, you were father of the year.

Dave

When I was a kid growing up, my father's philosophy was "Do as I say, not as I do." Well, when I became a parent, I swore I would do better with my kids. So my philosophy is, "Do as I say - not as I hope you don't know I do."

Dave

It's true. Parents that use drugs have kids that use drugs. So there's an important lesson here. Don't have kids.

Dave

When it comes to raising kids, everyone has an opinion. Let 'em cry, don't let 'em cry. Let 'em watch TV, don't let 'em watch TV. Spank 'em, don't spank 'em. But the one thing that everyone agrees on is, sooner or later, you have to trust them and hope you raised them right. I'm totally screwed.

Dave

At no time in history has a culture been so focused on how they look as we are today. Between the diets, the liposuction, Botox, LASIKS, it's crazy, and who's responsible? The media, and God bless 'em. I mean, who wants to look at fat, ugly people?

Dave

When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was sneak into "R" rated movies. In my mind, "R" stood for "really good." Nowadays, there's warnings and ratings on everyhing; video games, music, booze, cigarettes. You think these warnings would keep kids away from all these things. When, actually, it's sending up a flare saying, "Hey, look. Good stuff over here." (A disclaimer appears on screen that says: "Due to the mature subject matter, the following episode may not be suitable for all family members." (Dave glances down at disclaimer) See? Makes you wanna watch even more, doesn't it?

Dave

You know how when you're in a restaurant and the food doesn't come out the way you like, you could just send it back? Wouldn't it be great if you could do that with your kids? Uh, waiter, I'm sorry. This daughter? She's a little too spicy for my taste, and, uh, not enough dressing and, uh, my older son, where exactly on the menu did it say he was going to come out flaming and, uh, the youngest one. I don't even remember ordering him.

Dave

(to Vicky) Sweetie, why'd you have to invite your mother over for dinner? Didn't we just see her, like, a month ago?

Dave

(about Vicky) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want her to back to work full-time. She's gonna be too tired to do the important stuff around here, like the laundry... and me.

Dave

No, no. No therapy. Okay? All those head doctors do is say you have ADD or OCD or NAACP and boom, you're labeled a nut job. And once you start, you can't stop. I'm telling you, Vicky, therapy is like crack for sad people.

Dave

To tell him he's gotten his last peek at my wife and daughter's woo-woos.

Dave

Remember that time we made Mike wear that T-shirt that said "White Power" and threatened to drop him off in Harlem?

Dave

(standing next to a "Reasons to Live" chart) All right, let's see. I have one son that ignores everything I say. (erases Mike's name from chart) The other one ran away. (erases Larry's name from chart) I have a wife that thinks I'm a jackass who needs a haircut. (erases Vicky's name from chart, leaving "Hillary" and "Beer'") Well, at least I have beer in the fridge and a daughter that thinks I'm a hero.

Dave

The first day of school. When you're a kid, it's the worst day of the year. When you're a parent, it's the 4th of July, New Year's Eve, and your birthday all rolled into one. In fact, I just got some back-to-school supplies. (opens a bottle of champagne and drinks it)