Vicky quotes from The War at Home

Vicky

You're kidding. You know Dr. Vogel?

Dave

Oh, yeah, I know all about him. Let's just say he turned his hobby into his career.

Vicky

What do you mean, he was President of the Pap Smear Club?

Dave

In a matter of speaking, yes. I mean, in high school, all this guy talked about was getting into girls' pants. At least back then he had to work at it. Now all he has to do is say next!

Vicky

Sure, go ahead. But when you're done, could you do me a favor?

Dave

Yeah.

Vicky

Shove it up your ***.

Dave

Well, if I do, it's not going to be because you told me to.

Dave

Honey, after 17 years, I don't even take off my pants without telling you.

Vicky

Well, you gotta call the credit card company right away, because if you didn't open it and I didn't open it, then it could be identity theft.

Dave

Yeah, right, like anyone would want my identity.

Vicky

Honey, I share a bathroom with you. I think about breaking up with you every morning.

Dave

No, no, seriously, tell me, have you actually thought about breaking up with me? Because I can't think of one reason why anyone would want to break up with me.

Vicky

(laughs) Trust me, there have been situations.

Dave

Yeah? Well, tell me one.

Vicky

How about the time when I was pregnant with Hillary and my water broke & your first instinct was to criticize me because I ruined the upholstery of your Camaro.

Dave

It was a new car!

Vicky

Dave, Hillary wants to spend the night over at a boy's house.

Dave

No ****ing way, now you go to your ****ing room and don't come the **** out until I ****ing say so!

Vicky

It's good to have you back.

Dave

Just relax, okay, my plan is working.

Vicky

Oh, you mean the plan you pulled out of your ass?

Dave

Yeah, that one.

Vicky

Okay, well, keep pulling. Maybe we can get your head out of there.

Dave

You know, that son of yours just cursed at me.

Vicky

Wow, you actually stopped yelling at Larry long enough for him to swear at you?

Dave

Hey, you know, when I was a kid, I never would have talked to my father that way. I did it behind his back as a sign of respect.

Vicky

Well, what did you do to him?

Dave

What's that supposed to mean?

Vicky

Well, just that he's a pretty sweet-natured kid. You must have done something to piss him off. Come on, Dave, can't you just try to get along?

Dave

For your information, Vicky, I was trying. I sat down with him to watch TV, we talked about "The Lord of the Rings" which he loves so much, and then, out of nowhere, he opens his big mouth and curses at me. I mean, what kind of **** is that?

Dave

What are you talking about? We do a lot of fun things together.

Vicky

Oh, yeah, we have a ball. There's nothing better than sitting on the couch watching TV, bitching about our kids during commercials.

Dave

Come on, that's not all we do.

Vicky

That's true. Sometimes we bitch about our jobs, too.

Vicky

Relax, Dave. It's one game of Dungeons & Dragons.

Dave

Oh, no, there's no one game of Dungeons & Dragons. Okay, once you start that game, you're hooked, okay? It's like crack for losers.

Vicky

I'm just saying Kenny's acting like he's fine, but I can tell he's crying on the inside.

Dave

Good. That's where he should cry. That's where I've been crying for the last 30 years, and it hasn't hurt me any. (opens a beer and drinks it)

Vicky

Hasn't hurt the beer industry, either.

Dave

Wow, I can't remember the last time you made these.

Vicky

I do. It was four years ago, the last time we had family movie night, which I'm excited to say, I am re-instating starting tonight.

Dave

Ugh! Why? Sweetie, why are you doing this to me? I already hate Monday through Friday. You got to ruin Sunday now?

Dave

Hey, Vicky, what the hell's going on with Hillary? You know, she bought herself some expensive cell phone that I know she can't afford.

Vicky

Oh, no. You don't think she's shoplifting, do you?

Dave

No, no. I mean, she wears her clothes so tight, I mean, where would she hide anything? I don't know, but she's up to something, okay? Something's going on with her. Haven't you noticed that she's always on the phone, she's always text messaging, and she's being so secretive?

Vicky

Oh, my God! You don't think she's... a teenager?

Dave

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on the roof.

Vicky

Hey, I don't want you going up there to smoke pot.

Dave

Oh, I'm not. I'm going to throw myself off it.

Vicky

So, Mom, when's the wedding?

It's two weeks from today.

And we want you all to be there.

Vicky

Well, of course we're all going to be there.

Dave

Yeah, I can't think of any reason why we wouldn't. (cut scene) But two weeks should be enough time for me to come up with something

Vicky

What's more important: my mother's happiness or a free trip to the Caribbean?

Dave

Vicky, I know what answer you're hoping to hear, but we both know which one is going to come out of my mouth.