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SEASON 1

The Vicar of Dibley · Season 1

The Vicar of Dibley Season 1 quotes

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The Vicar of Dibley

All S1

S1 E15Unfinished Business

RPReverend Pottle

Lord, we ask you to bless the members of this, thy congregation. (There are four people in the room.) We also ask you to remember the Queen, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs. Sinclair Wilson and all her family. (Alice whispers in his ear) Mrs. Sinclair Wilson, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family. May you bring them happiness in this life and in the next. Peace everlasting. Amen.

Amen.

(Alice looks up to see that Reverand Pottle has apparently dozed off in the pulpit. She nudges him and then checks his pulse. He is dead.)

Um... We now sing hymn number 16: 'The Day Thou Gavest Lord is Ended.'

(They begin to sing and carry on as Reverand Pottle slowly tilts and falls to the ground.)

(On deciding to rally the parish council against the appointment of a female vicar)

They don't call me Sportin' Horton for nothing!

I didn't know they called you Sportin' Horton. I thought they called you Dirty David due to your enormous collection of Victorian porno-

Oh for goodness sake! Shut up!

Geraldine Granger

You were expecting a bloke - beard, bible, bad breath.

Yes, that sort of thing.

Geraldine Granger

And instead you got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom.

So I see.

Owen, this is Geraldine. She's the new vicar.

No it isn't! She's a woman!

Geraldine Granger

Oh! You noticed! [Points to breasts] These are such a giveaway, aren't they?

You can call me Alice.

Right.

Because it's my name.

I've just been visiting my new parishioners. Frankly I think that they would have been less surprised if the new vicar was Mr Blobby.

[Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! No no no no no no no refreshments will be available in the refreshment tent!

VVillager

Is that "No parking is allowed in the upper field", or "Parking is allowed in the upper field"?

[Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! OK?

Our vicar has as many connections with the rich and famous as I have with the Black Panther Movement!

[delighted] I've just been told the news; what a total and utter unmitigated cock-up! I thought the fair in '87 was embarrassing enough when those bloody kids put cannabis in the cupcakes, but this really is the queen of balls-ups! Hundreds of people waiting to see Elton John and you invite Rambling Syd Rumpo!

I rather enjoyed the fair in '87. Such larks!

Filthy weather!

No, no, no I've known worse.

Oh yes? When was that then?

The Great Storm. When the windmill got blown over.

That wasn't The Great Storm, that was a moderately windy night! No, the really great storm... was The Great Storm.

When was that?

When Dave Batt got decapitated.

That wasn't the great storm!

Well, it was pretty damn great!

I have spent the week investigating the prices of stained glass, and the lowest quote we have is for £11,000.

Bugger me! You could get someone killed for that!

Sadly, you must minute Frank that Dibley can't afford a new window.

Stop writing, Frank! 'Can't' isn't in the Christian Vocabulary!

Yes it is! You can't commit Adultery, You can't steal...

You can't even covet your neighbour's ass. Even if it is very alluring!

What was that socialist tract you were spouting from the pulpit last week?

I've got a feeling it was the Sermon on the Mount.

Jesus did not tell rich people to give all their money away.

I think you'll find he did actually!

Nonsense. What did he say to the sick man? "Take up thy bed and walk." In other words "Help yourself". "On your bike."

Are you trying to establish a direct spiritual link between Jesus Christ and Norman Tebbit?

You can't deny there are similarities.

[Loudly] There bloody are not!

Nibble, Vicar? It's chocolate spread.

Chocolate? You promise?

Yes.

Alright then, I will. [Takes a bite of cake and pulls a face] Hm. Very, uh, unusual taste.

Yes, well I put in a bit of taramosalata as well.

Did you? Would you excuse me a moment! [Runs to the bathroom.]

God, I had a terrible night and my bottom had a worse one! That Cropley woman really is the Queen of Cordon Bleaaaagh!

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