The Venture Bros. Season 1 quotes

Hank, I will give you so much money to not shoot your dad.

Brock

No! Helper! Whatever you do, do not engage your helicopter blades! You'll kill us both!

Brock

. No, I won't. Just ... trust me.

Dean

How can you say that about Hitler? I love Hitler, and Hitler loves me! He's not so bad - Hitler just needs someone to believe in him! Can't you just give Hitler a chance?

Alright, everybody out. I gotta - I gotta wipe.

Dr. Orpheus

Good lord. Have you been using the toilet under there this whole time?

We are at war with Hitler again! This is how it's done on the front lines, soldier!

Dr. Orpheus

This dog has a great evil in him!

That is learned behavior. That's the owner's fault usually. You have to show them that you're the alpha male.

Dr. Orpheus

Not even the great Cesar Milan could whisper this hell hound!

[upon seeing H.E.L.P.eR's head embedded in Brock's chest] What made you change your mind?

Brock

Huh?

I put in a lot of those this year. Ever since the Iron Man, everybody wants the robot hearts.

Brock

Yeah, well theirs probably don't talk this much.

How come all of a sudden you trust me now? What's to stop me from killing you when you're under?

Brock

Him.

Hank, where's your uniform?

Hank

I'm not wearing that clown-suit; and you are not the boss of me.

Au Contraire! I am Tony Danza to your spunky Alyssa Milano! I am full-on-Charles-in-charge of you! You are my unit.

Hank

(Smirking) "Unit".

And a Unit operates as one. We dress the same, we walk the same, we eat the same! You like pineapples and ham on your pizza?

Hank

Gross, no!

Well, you do now! Why? Because I do! Unit! Now put on your Venture blues before I tell you how much you love Country & Western music!

Dean

The doggie made a poo-poo.

Great! Some fucking master race!

Let's see the half-mil.

This relic belonged to my father's father. It has been passed down to the first-born male in my family's line.

[removing the cover to reveal, in a mylar sheath, a Marvel comic book] What? It's a comic. A comic that has a price on it for ten cents.

A comic? That is Marvel #1!

Look, I wasn't born yesterday. There's no way that something featuring Ka-Zar the Great, and twelve pages of jungle adventure is worth half a million bucks.

That's in almost dead mint condition! That is CGC rated at 9.6! It's like a miracle!

Okay, why don't you go sell your magic beans to another superscientist with an illegal cloning facility. I'm done with this crap.

Hold on to this, look it up on the Internet. You will see what I tell you is completely true. And take this. [A small cooler]

What's this—the world's most valuable cooler?

It's cloning material. It's 24's finger. It still has the Blackbeard's diamond treasure ring I got him. You can keep that too, I guess. It's worth two low, low payments of $29.95.

[seeing Hank entering] Alright, get out of here. I don't want to tell my kids about this crap.

[passing Hank]] Sorry about the bad news, Highlander. Looks like you'll never see the Quickening.

Hank

Huh?

[handing Hank the comic book] If you're so excited about worthless garbage, you want this too?

Hank

Yeah, totally! [Takes the comic book out of the sheath, upon which the value and CGC rating begin decreasing] What? What's this crap? Where's Batman?

Brock

What're you gonna do, little man...woman?

Brock

I can cross "Stab Hitler to death" off my list of cool crap I thought I'd never get to do.

Hank

Brock?

Brock

Hey Hank. Killed Hitler.

Shit! It's Chuck Scarsdale! Hide or we're gonna be on the news!

Take. That. Costume. Off!

Whats the matter Captain Fun Time? Isn't this what you always wanted?!

What are you talking about?!

Wouldn't it just fix everything twisted up inside of you if you can only fuck Wonder Boy and your worst enemy at the same time, huh? Well come and get us!

Hank

Hey um, do you think maybe you could put in a good word for Batman for me?

GET OUT OF MY SANCTUM SOLARIUM.